What You Need, Chapter #16

Summary:  Gohan is divorced from Videl and now works at Capsule Corp. He has recently been made Vice-President of Research and Development, now that Bulma has retired. Trunks and Gohan live in the Corporate High Rise, one floor away from each other.

(Gohan’s POV)

“I was talking about the way I feel.”

For a moment I just sit there, stunned and silent, staring up into his exhausted blue eyes. Trunks looks like he’s expecting me to rear up and strike him. It hurts my heart, but it doesn’t surprise me.

Oh Kami, his feelings. That’s what he was trying to say. I was hurting his feelings.

I sit there on his sofa, watching him watch me with those ridiculously beautiful eyes.

His cheeks are flushed, his nostrils flaring like a nervous colt. As I look at him, I think back on every time I demanded access to his body, every time that I pushed him forward, pushed him down; taking what I wanted with only the barest regard to his physical self and absolutely no regard at all for his heart.

I thought it was what he wanted. Every time I reached around him to grab that gorgeous cock of his, I’d find it hard and hot in my grip. He would come so easily, so powerfully, at that single touch; screaming and cursing, the clenching of his ass incredible around my own hard sex.

Because of that, that basic male response, I was able to justify my actions towards him.

He wanted it, I told myself. Wanted it rough and hard and impersonal. Why would he have come in my hand like that if he didn’t?

I am a fool.

“Trunks?” I speak softly, almost afraid to break the silence.

He jumps slightly, but covers it by putting his glass back into the sink. He turns back to me, waiting.

“Will you come and sit with me here?” I smile slightly. “I need…there’s some things that I have to say. Things that I have to tell you. Things I should have said before we first started.”

Slowly, warily, Trunks moves towards me. He chooses the armchair over sitting beside me on the sofa.

I can understand the choice.

I pull in a deep breath, struggling to find the right words. It is still a difficult thing for me to talk about, to tell him; even though surely after everything that has happened between us, he must know. At least, he should have a fairly good idea.

“I don’t know exactly how to explain this to you, Trunks.” I begin well enough, but falter there. I remove my glasses, pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh out my frustration; wondering what in the hell all those years of struggling to learn how to meditate were for if I can’t apply the principals when it matters the most.

“Just start where you can, Gohan,” Trunks says quietly. He’s leaning forward, elbows on knees. His entire attention is focused on me and in this isolated instant I find that this gratifies me more than fucking him ever did.

“There’s a darkness in me, Trunks,” I murmur. “Even back as a child, I struggled to make sense of it, to keep it from breaking away from me. I tend to keep myself emotionally distant from others in order to control this…this…” I spread my hands helplessly.

“Intensity.” Trunks finishes for me. He smiles a little and I feel myself smiling back.

“That’s exactly the word I’m looking for.” I nod gratefully to him. “Thank you.” I pause for a moment, frowning in thought. “You reached into it, Trunks. With your words and your actions.” I’m not saying this to hurt him, but because it’s true. “You breached the walls that I had constructed, and I lost control. I lost sight of who I was…who I wanted to be.”

Trunks tilts his head a little, his eyes questioning me; asking me to continue.

“All of the baser, less noble parts of me…I let them loose on you.” I drop my eyes for a moment. “It wasn’t enough for me to just have you for a brief while. I wanted, needed more.”

I feel the sofa cushions dip slightly, and when I look up, he’s right there beside me, his eyes full of sorrow. “I didn’t understand. I kept fighting you. I thought it was just some kind of power trip you were on.”

“I know,” I tell him softly.

“I thought you were punishing me.”

“I know. And perhaps I was, in a way.” I shake my head slowly. “I know that I resented how easily you got to me. But I think, in hindsight, that anger was more for my own lack of willpower. I don’t know. For a long time there it seemed like I’d almost stopped thinking at all. All I wanted…the only thing that made sense, that made me feel like I had a bit of control was…” I trail off, feeling a dull burn rise in my face.

Trunks peers at me from under thick lavender lashes, the tiniest spark of his old humour visible.

“…fucking me?” he suggests, his mouth twitching.

I laugh a little. “Yeah.”

He sighs and leans back, resting his head against the back of the sofa. “Kami, what a fucking mess.”

I can’t help but agree.

“So, what happens now?” Trunks asks me, sitting upright again. “Where do we go from here?”

I look at that beautiful and bone-weary face and I can see how much these last few weeks have drained him, how much they have cost him. Although he looks more relaxed now than I’ve seen in a long time, the mark of his experience is still there in his eyes.

It will take more than a single conversation to make right what is wrong between us.

I want to. But looking into those pain-washed eyes I wonder if it will ever be possible.

There is one thing that I want to set in stone tonight. Right from the outset. If we are to have any chance, this is the way it has to be.

“Where do we go from here?” I repeat his question. “That’s up to you, Trunks.”

He looks startled. “Me?”

“Yes.” I take a risk and reach out to touch him, gently encircling his forearm with my fingers, stroking my thumb over the impossibly soft skin of his inner wrist.

The effect of that one touch is amazing. Now that I am inclined to notice such things, I can see his expression change as he watches me touching him. He simply…softens.

There is no other way to describe it. His eyes, his face; his entire body relaxes.

He loves this. He’s completely focused on the movement of my thumb, absorbed in this simple, soothing touch.

For a moment, I feel bitter pain lance through me. All that time I spent wanting his attention, demanding it with cold orders and failing that, brute force…it was wasted effort. I realize that now. All I ever had to do was touch him like I gave a damn and I would have had it all.

I am, in my own earlier words, a complete fool.

“You have to make the choices now, Trunks.” I tell him gently. “You have to. I simply can’t. I won’t. I can’t be trusted in regards to us.”

Trunks’ eyes widen. “You still want me?”

Oh Kami. Yes. I do. Even now, even in this first peaceful moment of connection we are sharing, the old urge is still there. The need in me to take him, have him. My way. To have that frantic, powerful release. I take a deep breath and push the image back again. I nod, closing my eyes and waiting.

Trunks sighs. “I need to think about this, Gohan. Everything’s different now.” He shrugs. “I need time to sort it out.”

I feel the sharp stab of disappointment rise in me. But I promised and this time, I intend to keep it. This time the promise was made to him, not to me. Even if he doesn’t know it.

Putting my glasses back on, I slowly get to my feet, regretfully dropping Trunks’ wrist. I move to go, leaving him sitting there, his eyes once more wide and staring; his face distant, lost in thought.

Just as I reach the door, his soft words stop me in my tracks.

“I needed it too,” he whispers.

I turn and stare at him. “Trunks, I’m not sure if I…”

“I wanted you to fuck me like that, Gohan,” he explains, his face sad, his voice low. “I…from that first time I…” He shrugs helplessly, searching for the right words. “It was so deep, you know? So intense. For that little while, I was all you wanted, all you knew. I could give over my control and just…go with it.” His face darkens a little. “I thought you didn’t give a shit about me. I really did and I hated that. What we did…It was the one way I had of getting close to you.”

I look at him, his perfect face set with a kind of grim honesty and I feel pain touch me again. “We called this one pretty badly, didn’t we?”

Amazingly, he smiles slightly. “Yeah. Guess we did.” He bites his lip gently. “Gohan?”

“Yes, Trunks?”

“This thing between us…the potential for it to happen again…it’s always going to be there, isn’t it?”

I let out a deep breath. “I think it will be, yes. It happened, Trunks. There’s no denying it.”

He drops his eyes. “I know.”

“You have to decide,” I tell him again.

“I know that too.” Wide blue eyes look up and soften slightly as he smiles at me again. Kindly this time. “See you around, Gohan.”

The tiniest flare of anger rises at his dismissal, but I clamp it down firmly. It’s distant now, anyway. Understanding has brought back my control. At least for now. Who knows? Maybe even for good.

And maybe it is for the best if we just let it go. Maybe we’ll both be better off apart; without constantly having to wonder if the dark obsession that drove us both will return.

I have a feeling that it would always be there at the edges of us, no matter what happened.

I think Trunks knows this too.

“See you around, Trunks,” I reply quietly.

And then, with a feeling of loss far greater than I ever thought would be possible, I turn and leave.

See you around.

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