Welcome to Boxer & Rice

August the 14th

I know I mean, sometimes...I...feel like a burden.
I feel too needy--too clingy.
Like when I get sick.
I always feel like I'm keeping you from so much. You rearrange everything for me and I never know what to do.

...you love me, right...?

Of course you do. Why else would you bend so far backwards to see me better, ne...?

...but I...don't know...

Hm. That's a surprise. I never know anything, so for me, this confusion feels almost normal.
But I know you love me. I know you do.

You do...right...?

Dende only knows how much I love you...Dende only knows how much...
Dammit Dende! Why'd you hafta know...? The idea that somebody knows only makes this that much harder.
But would I feel any better if no one knew...?
I...just don't know...

C'mon, Go-chan! Don't be such a party pooper! What's going on with you that you always look so sad...?
Nothing much...
Hn. Right. Nothing much. That's what you always say.



August the 26th

You know, right? That I love you, I mean. No. Of course not. You can't know what I've never told you. What I couldn't tell you. We're not supposed to 'do that', to be 'that way'....
But I can't help it! You've always been there for me! You've always helped me out--you virtually raised me, for Dende's sake! You taught me everything I know...and I know you love me.
Just not...the way I love you...
Dende...why does this hafta be so hard...? Why can't I just come out and say it? It's not like anything would change. It's not like you would know what I was talking about, anyway.

It's not like you love me the same way, after all...
So it's just like I said...
...what can I do...?

Oi! Chibi! What ya doin'?
Nothing much...
You gotta be up to something, Goten, cause that's always what you say right before you close that damn book.

I love you.

There. I said it.
And I feel even worse for doing it, too.
Ef.
But at least I said it, ne? At least I really got it out.
...even if I gotta wait for you to read this before you really understand...
Dende-sama....and it's not even like I can leave it at that. You've given me so much, and I...well...
You've had your fill of heartache from me...and it feels like it's...never gonna end...even now....
I'm
I got
I
Dammit! I can't even bring myself to say it! How the hell am I gonna get through this if I can't even admit it to myself. If I can't even tell you...I just....
Fuck it.


September the 9th

I'm...dying...


Dende...I must have stared at those words for a full hour before I could write again...
Can you see NOW why this is so difficult...?
i...I don't...know what to do...

C'mon Go-chan! Lighten up! It's not the end of the world, you know...
Gomen nasai...
Oi! You're not still bummed about that girl standing you up, are you? There'll be others. Don't worry so much. Enjoy life--mope less.



September the 14th

I...went to the doctor's a few months ago. Remember when I kept getting sick? Well...I finally took your advice. Aren't you pleased?
I wish I was.

I asked Vegeta-san and he told me some things. Namely that Saiyans don't get sick.
They die.
I...I...I...don't know why I thought he'd care, but I told him I was sick and he kindly corrected me.

"No," he said, "you're dying."

I...just stared at him in total shock.
And I refused to believe it.

This wasn't right. He's pranking me again. This is his revenge for what happened to his training uniform that time the fire extinguisher wouldn't turn off.
Dying?
That's rich.
'Tousan 'dies' all the time, and look at him. He always comes back. There's gotta be a god or three he's got wrapped 'round his little finger, right? That's how he always comes back, ne...?

But then I realized it.
I'm not my father.
Simply my father's son.
I know no gods.
I'm owed no favors.
I lost all hope.
Because last week I found out the truth.
I'm about to die.

You sure you wanna stay in there all night, Go-chan...? I mean, have you eaten at all today...?
I'll be fine. Don't worry about it.
...you let me know if I can get you anything, ne, Chibi...?

It's true. I never would have thought it to be true, but it is.
I'm dying.
Remember when Otousan was sick...? He caught some weird alien heart disease thing...?
Well...I've got it too.
The best I can understand is that the medicine from the future worked to stop it's progress, to stop it from getting worse, but it never really made him better, never really eradicated the bug.

It's kinda like a benign tumor. It just kinda sat there and did nothing for a while. A long while.
And everyone sorta...forgot about it.
But it changed. It mutated some of the cells--some of the chromosomes of his genetic make-up.
My genetic make-up.
Me.
It's in me, a part of me, and...it's malignant.
The genes are...bad. The cells are active and because of it, I'm getting sick.
Gotten sick.
Getting sicker.



September the 15th

Dammit! I don't want this! I don't want to die! I haven't even gotten the chance to go out on a date with a girl yet!
...not that it matters much...
If you didn't catch it in the beginning...I'm...gay.

And I love you. I'm in love with you. I have been for a long time.
But you you're not.
I know you love your wife, and I know she loves you too, but...she doesn't make you happy.
I know.
I've seen you happy before.
I know what it's like.
I just wish you were happy.

I just wish...I wasn't going to die...

Goten. I don't know what's going on, but don't you think it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor...?
Hai. In the morning.
You sure you're gonna be all right, Go-chan? I don't want you, like, dying on me, you know...?



September the 22nd

I always loved you, you know. The walks in the woods, the window shopping at Christmas, the snowball fights, jumping in the leaves...
...sitting on the couch with you, curled up under a big blanket watchin' old movies...
I'll miss you while I'm gone--but mebbe I can come back to visit, ne...? mebbe I can strike a deal with one of 'tousan's old friends in heaven and we can arrange something...
...unless I'm going to hell...but I guess I won't know until I get there, ne...?

I...don't want to tell you, but...I think you should know, before your hopes get too high...
...it's a natural death.
I didn't know about that clause with the dragon balls until just recently.
Ouji-san told me. And since it's genetic, since it was gonna happen regardless of anything I've done in life, the end would still be the same.

In about three more weeks...I'll be gone.



September the 25th

I've talked it over with Ouji-san. Who'da thunk he'd actually be helpful in this situation? He's done a lot for me over the past couple months. He's told me a lot about our heritage, and his home planet, and what it means to be a real Saiyan.
He said I was a real Saiyan. Even though I've accepted the fate of my death, I still fought. I still went to doctor after doctor. I still got help in private, hid it from family and friends to keep them from making things worse.
I protected them all, and for that, I feel pretty good.

I'm going on a long trip, and I promise I'll try to write. Hope things are well here in my leave. I love you all. Of that, I promise.

But most of all, I love you.

You sure this is what you need, Chibi...?
Hai. I know it is.
I mean, you haven't been looking too good...you sure you can deal with traveling right now? Shouldn't you wait a bit...? I mean, what about school?
I'll be fine. I promise. Everything will be all right.



October the 3 rd

i...just wanted to write to say how much I miss you.
I think things are going well--or at least, I can't really complain.
The weather here is good, the colours are very vivid for this time of year.
Ouji-san stopped by to look at me for a few seconds and then flew off. It took me a minute or three to see he actually left a package in his wake.
It was nice to hear from you. It's good to see your family growing, and I'm sorry things seem so bumpy between you and your wife.
I
I miss you.



October the 11th

I feel like shit. I can't eat anything without seeing it again in a matter of minutes. I'm having a hard time breathing when I sit or stand. The only position I feel comfortable in is lying down, but the floor is getting colder.
Somebody actually tried to steal my capsule house-the whole house!-but they should have known better than to mess with a Saiyan.
I think I would've done better were I not so...weak. I'll get by well enough, though. They didn't get away with nearly as much as they thought they were going to.

I feel so tired these days. It's really hard to get up in the morning, but the sunrise is so beautiful. I've got everything positioned so it wakes me up. I even went out and bought some silly coloured glass pictures to sit on the sill. The blue is my favourite colour, you know. It falls right across my eyes when I wake. I think blue is a colour I should have worn more of when I was better. I always did like the cooler colours, but I think that had something to do with the colour of 'tousan's gi.
You ever wonder if he was colourblind...?

The trees are all so pretty. Pretty. That word can't do the justice I want it to. You were always better with these things than I was, that's for sure. Have you kept writing? Did you get published yet? I swear to Dende, you should, you know. I always loved it when you read to me as a chibi. You have such a great voice, I hope you get to read more to your daughter, like you did for me. I bet she's still a sweet kid. Tell her I said hi sometime, ne? Tell her we'll meet up for a spar somewhere...

I think it's going to storm tonight. I should go and shut the windows. I get really hot really easy now. I don't like it, but what can I do...

I love you.



October the 16th

I just found the last mirror in this damn place. I thought I'd broken them all, but it was in the closet I never go in. I'm glad you're not here to see me--even Vegeta-san hasn't been to see me in a while.
I think I felt a familiar ki fly overhead this morning, but I was too tired to check it out. I hope you don't find me. I look a sad state. I didn't even recognize me when I found that mirror. Now I realize why exactly I wanted to get rid of them all.
The leaves are still turning. They look so pretty. Some days I just go outside and sit on the ground and watch them fall and float and get picked up again by the wind. It's really windy here. I never thought it could get so harsh, but it does. Mebbe I shoulda traveled more when I was younger. Mebbe I shoulda tried more things like that as a chibi.
Promise me you'll travel, ne? don't get stuck in one place. Pack up the family, load up the car, and go someplace. North, south, west...wherever. Mebbe you can move to a nice little house somewhere in the world, on some continent where you don't speak the language and just watch people. That's my newest hobby.
People watching.
Though there aren't many people who come all the way out here for more than delivering mail to my neighbors, or trying to buy chickens or hay.
Hai. I live near a farm.
Hai. You get used to the smell.
Did I tell you about the stained glass? Hai. Last entry. I think I like the purple now. The sun is moving little by little, and now I'm torn between the violet, or the blue. They're both really great to see, but I just can't decide.
Like that's anything new, ne...?
I miss you.
I was thinking about carving a pumpkin, or baking a pie tomorrow, but then I really can't truthfully say if I'll even be here or not.
Just gotta go day by day, I guess. I don't mind it much. I get a real feeling of accomplishment when I get to finish something before bedtime.
I love you.



October the 19th

it rained again today it was nice to feel it on my face my hands look old much older than I think I should be. Are you well I hope so. I bet you're just as beautiful as ever these days I miss you. Have you gotten published now I asked you that already gomen. I forget things easily.
You know what I miss? Your cooking. I love your cooking it's been so long since I last ate but its too hard to keep it down. Its alright though I try again tomorrow. Theres a song on the radio. The cd player is upstairs and I'm just too tired to climb them and this song has been playing all day. I think I hit repeat by mistake, but its ok. I like the song. It makes me think of you. It talks about how hard it is to find happiness when your alone and that we should look at memories instead of mistakes. The chorus talks about how happy birds are and that we should be happy like them, but if you can't be happy take what you can.
I'll take the rain. I better get inside so the paper doesn't get too wet. I'll be home soon. Love you. Goten.



Oct.22

the blue. I've decided it's the blue. Sorry it took so long.
Theres a tree before my window that I think you would have liked. It's big and strong and doesn't sway at all no matter how hard the wind tries. It protects me like you did.
Vegeta-san came to the door today. He stood there without knocking. I tried to tell him to enter, but I haven't been able to speak for a couple days. I've been coughing too much. He just left. He was there for almost the whole day. I'm tooo tired to see if he left anything on the porch again. May be to morrow I can check. I hope you are good. Tell everyone I miss them



23

you flew by today. I'm glad you missed me. Ouji-san was here again standing at the door. He's still there. I feel like he's waiting for something. But I guess I am tooo.



24


he never left. He's still there. I tried to make it to the door, but I just want to rest. I left the living room around noon and I just got back into bed. It's nearly 2.
I miss you.
Goten



2
5
I love you. I will always love you.


I'll see you tomorrow.









The last leaf fell today...but this time you weren't there to pick it up for me.
I Love you more than I ever could show


**
A chill breeze flipped the pages of the tattered notebook, proving it's dominance over the airy strips of wrinkled white with ease. Sitting back in the chair he removed his glasses, smoothing the tears from his face with one hand as he threw the discarded spectacles to the table.

"Kami, Goten..." the words fell as lifeless as the renegade leaf blown through the window, fated to land in the hearth beside him, succumbing to the deafening crackle of the lumber pitted helplessly against those flames it unwittingly fueled. Turning from the abused spiral bound confession, he looked to the opening, one hand idly running through his ebony mane in a vain attempt at comfort.

"You said you were going away, but I never..." he closed his eyes tight, willing the tears at bay to remain steadfast to their post. Hanging his head, fingers fell useless to rest in his lap. "We used to joke about these things, Go-chan, but I never...I mean..." his breath hitched, choking his muted plea from ever even reaching the walls. The light slap of paper on paper drew his eyes, once more, to the window. He really should close it. Snow was in the forecast, but he just...couldn't move.

"Gohan...?"

The bleary figure of the light-eyed Ouji stood unmoving at the door, waiting for the permission he silently sought before entering the room.

His room.

Taking the empty glance as his invitation, Trunks softly padded toward the elder demi.
"Gohan..." he looked down to the notebook hiding beside a pair of reading glasses with a smile. Chemistry written across the front of it's worn blue cover, the young prince closed his eyes in fond remembrance of passing notes, exploding crucibles, and the many study halls spent with his best friend.

Too bad there wouldn't be anymore of those...they always had the best time together.

Curling his lower lip into his teeth, Trunks shifted, the reason for his visit so late in the evening chiding him into finishing his task. "Gohan," he lowered himself to sit on the edge of the bed in front of the weary Son. "I...I came to apologize, to give you my condolences...and...to ask a favour..."

Gohan slumped further into the plush cushioning of his chair. He closed his eyes tight, trying to ignore the powerful trace of his young brother's faded fragrance, trying to dismiss the illusion of warmth and comfort that seemed to pervade the very mass of his seat.

Goten...

"Go home."

The words seemed, for some reason, to catch him off guard.

I'll be home soon

"Nani...?" the hoarse whisper made him cringe as though he misheard the request--command issued by the young monarch.

Trunks fidgeted slightly, suddenly overwhelmed by the entirety of the situation. Dende help him...the man looked like shit, and Piccolo only knows how long it's been since he last ate. "Go home, Gohan."

The eldest demi turned away from his companion, choosing the bay of dead leaves on the evening zephyr over the young voice of reason; his answer was short and simple: "I can't."

"Gohan..." a light sigh saw a few strands of luminescent violet flicker past his vision, "you need rest, Gohan. You need sleep, food, time..." His words trailed off, seeing his head drop to the tattered reminder of his best friend's passing left for his brother whip helplessly against another invading draft. It was still a secret. No one knew what was in the notebook his Papa had given to Gohan. Only Gohan knew that story...

Pulling back from the mouth of memory, he huffed. "You need rest, Gohan. You need to go home and--"

"Iie."

Trunks started back from the other man as his fireside blue was graced by the presence of immoveable, resolute pitch.

Dende.

He looked just like his father right before he would inevitably go Super Saiyan.

Gohan closed his eyes, lifting weary lids slowly to gaze past to the book next to his glasses. "He didn't rest...couldn't rest..." his statement was interrupted by the gripping crackle of his raw, aching voice as it finally broke through it's voluntary vow of silence. Kami...it's been almost two weeks since he last spoke to anyone...living....

"He'd hate to see you like this." Trunks shifted, absently smoothing the covers beneath him.

"Does it matter?" Gohan narrowed his eyes to the invasive Ouji. "This is doing more good than harm to him right now," a jerk of his head, "I don't see the problem." Kami-sama...how long was that bastard going to sit there and pretend to know what was best for him...?

The Briefs boy stiffened. All the rumors he'd heard about the change in his best friend's brother since the funeral were not entirely unfounded. "To him?" he threw an unnoticed glance toward the notebook, "or his memory...?"

Trunks wasn't sure if it was a breeze on the flame, or the aggression he could all but smell on the elder Son, but he could have sworn he saw a shock of gold flash before his comrade spoke again. "Like I said, does it matter?"

Trunks hid behind the long lilac bangs that seemed eternally eager to shield him from embarrassment, enthusiastically employed with a simple dip of his head.

Silence stretched between them, the tension growing, rising up to snap like a rubber band extended beyond its natural ability to expand. He had to say something. He was suffocating despite the easy entrance of that continuous, chilling wind.

Swallowing, he brushed his hair from his eyes. "Pan called." What else could he say that he hadn't already...?

Gohan looked up, one eye a mere slit of acknowledgement. Things were never good when the chibi used the phone...

The lavender lit prince continued. "She...she wants to know when her Daddy's coming home."

"She knows the answer to that."

He knit his brow in irritation. "Does she?" He balled a fist, capturing a small bundle of blanket in his infuriated grip. "She's only three, Gohan-san." Surely the man can see his reasoning for mentioning the girl. Every child needs a father...

He could feel the prickle of tears at the thought of his Chibi...

Go-chan...

The Son ignored the fresh smell of salt that assaulted his space. "She's so much older than that..." Kami...they all seem to grow up so fast these days... Just yesterday, he was giving Goten a piggyback ride as they chased after Trunks for his expertly thieved bag of Halloween candy...and now...

"Videl called, too..."

A harsh snap of oak as he slammed his fist down onto the arm of the chair he endlessly occupied threw the younger man back a few inches. "Never mention her name here." He'll be damned if that onna would try to keep him all to herself again.

"Nani?" The man really did have a temper.

Just like his father.

Gohan adjusted, turning his side to the younger demi, a snake of crimson admitting to the childishness of his outburst. "Just...don't." If he had gotten more time away from home...if he'd only been allowed to see his brother...then maybe...maybe...

Maybe what?

A nervous cough turned placid onyx to anxious sapphire. "Well, your wife wanted to know--"

"Not my wife."

"Nani?" He certainly was asking a lot of question tonight, ne...?

His muttering was almost shameful as the eldest demi turned his eyes to the floor, idly picking at the splinter of wood that broke through the arm rest of the chair. "We're...dih...vorced." You know...it actually hurt to say those words aloud...

Trunks started back in disbelief, a shake of pale amethyst marking his amazement. "Na...ni...? Nani?! When??" Since when did the man separate form his wife? Why was he the last to find out?

...the first to find out...?

He resumed, doing his best to keep the tears from his voice and vision as he watched another leaf blow in through the parted curtains. "She and...Goten...never really liked each other--even from the start." He ran a weary hand through his hair, letting his head fall to rest against the raised back of the chair. "And when he...left...all she could say was how much he needed it, that he was too dependant on others for help..." his head lolled to the side, suddenly too heavy to control, "...that he...was too dependant on...me..." He cursed his tears, too exhausted to exert the effort needed to wipe them away. "But...she didn't...know he was...sick..."

"No one knew."

"I knew." The words came before he had time to pace them. Pausing in his grief, he turned back to stare at his pallid counterpart. " ...just not...how sick..."

"Gohan..." damn Sons always taking the world onto their shoulders, "you can't blame yourself for this. You couldn't've known this would happen." When will he see it wasn't his fault...?

"I should have known."

A light sigh. "We did what we could when we could have."

A glare. "But it wasn't enough."

A shiver. "It...it was never enough."

Gohan looked down, eyes focusing beyond the faded blue lines of the open journal, scanning the contents briefly, sight blurring as he read the words.

I'll take the rain.

"...he sacrificed himself..." Such a noble death...

"He saved a lot of people a lot of pain..." the Ouji offered in defense of his late friend's decision.

Gohan ignored the comment. "...like an offering to some bastard gods..."

The man was in mourning, of that there was no denying. "Gohan..."

"...all because he thought I didn't love him..."

"...nani...?"

The Son gave in, allowing the tears to finally fall, joining their brethren as they crawled down his cheek to once more soak his collar. "...because he didn't know I did."

Trunks moved forward, lowering himself to kneel before his fallen comrade. "Hai..." he placed a clammy palm on the sitting figure's knee, fingers curling in reassurance, "he knew..."

He refused to meet the genuflect prince, turning red rimmed eyes to stare into the dancing labyrinth of ochre shadows painting the wall beside him. "No he didn't. He all but said it."

Arching a brow, the pastel powdered prince shifted to sit on his haunches. "When." The question bowed before his royal will to become a statement--a challenge to the older man.

Gohan shook his head, wiping at the tears. "It doesn't matter. It's over now."

Trunks couldn't hide the sympathy if there was a lead wall between them. "Gohan..."

An affirmative nod saw those abused ebony orbs slide from the floor to his attendant. "I'll go home, Trunks, don't worry..."a sniff interrupted his declaration, "just...not yet."

The young Ouji bit his lower lip. "I don't think I want to leave--"

A faint smile painted the fire-lit jaundice of wear and distress. "Baka..." since when did he have a keeper...? "I won't do anything selfish." His eyes flicked back to the stilled narrative. "I wouldn't do that to him."

The Briefs boy grinned politely, squeezing the Son's knee as he rose. "He still loves you, you know..."

He smiled. "Hai. I know."

The pale prince ran an affectionate hand over the sitting Saiyan's shoulder. Sharing a warm smile with the darker demi, he turned, quiet in his exit, shutting the door with a gentle 'kch'.

Gohan sat in the silence, awareness of the room and it's animated elements falling deaf to the unsettling serenity that invaded him. Swallowing against the lump in his throat, his doughty spirit gave way, once more, to the stumbled snuffle of streaming sorrow.

"I...I just never knew you felt the same way I did." He fell forward slightly, trembling fingers stealing out to touch the wire-bound record of his baby brother's last thoughts. "I...I'm so sorry, Goten...I neh-nn-never would have guessed I could love you..." he pulled the flimsy book forward, "...like that..." Cold raking it's hostile frost down the length of his back, Gohan welcomed the shiver.

At least it was a sensation he could try to use in order to numb the pain....

He curled his fatigued figure around the notebook locked in his unforgiving embrace, the spiral binding crimping beneath his unchecked hold. "I... just never really kne-ew...I j-j-just...never could see...wha...what y-y-you...that...."

The fire died out slowly, the incoherent muttering of the lone man lulling it to its fated demise.

The snow drifted timidly in through the window, curtains welcoming it with arms open, enticing the sterile blanket to lovingly cover the floor in it's protective freeze.

Gohan wept into the cheap blue of the old notebook, his soft sighs and hitched breaths reinvigorating the mantra of love's labour, lost...

"I'm...sorry...I-I-I'mm...sorry...."

Forgive me, niichan...I never knew...I never knew you felt the same way...I did....