Welcome to Boxer & Rice

Master Roshi considered himself a hobbyist. Over the last hundred years or so he had purchased quite a collection of pornographical text, pictures, and film. There was nothing he hadn't seen, nothing that could surprise or shock him. He had indexes of over 10,000 sexual positions for all humanoid species. These indexes also included hundreds of chapters on various fetishes and kinks.
However, some things were just...too much. Particularly a scene he saw a month ago that literally blew his mind.

Hee hee, I would NEVER have suspected...

He anticipated the little get together for the Z warriors later with great relish. Oh, he would have questions. And a challenge...

****

Everyone enjoyed going over to Master Roshi's for some 'down' time. Yamcha and Tien rambled endlessly about their new romantic interests. Piccolo was his usual taciturn self, punctuated by occasional humor. Krillin was hopeful about things working out with 18. Goku of course consumed enough food for everyone, while Vegeta attended because...who knew?

Master Roshi watched his guests, snickering as they bantered and talked. But only two really held his interest. He'd never look at them the same way again...

It was nearly a month ago when he caught them unaware and unsuspecting. Familiar voices were heard behind closed doors at the training facility downtown. Since Roshi partially owned the facility, all duplicate keys were his responsibility. But he sensed the familiar ki, wondering just what was going on. Why were they here, and so late? He slipped through the adjoining locker rooms to peep through a small two way mirror he had installed. Glory be, what he saw...

Goku and Vegeta, buff and looking like two greek gods, going at it hot and heavy. Their abandoned gi suits lay in a puddle on the floor. He noted that Goku was in Super Saiyan form but Vegeta was not.

Lawdy lawdy lawdy, he thought.

Goku swung suspended from a crossbar, his legs thrown completely up and wide. Vegeta crouched inbetween, lapping his crotch and deep throating while thrusting fingers into tight heat. But there was more. Sinuously he coiled his tail, slipping the tip up there as well. The golden Saiyan screamed and broke, wrapping powerful thighs around the head of his darker companion who also came as he pumped himself, shooting his load across a small rack of barbells.

Clean up, boys. No mess!

Goku lowered himself, kissing Vegeta deeply. Arms wrapped around as they rolled on the floor, glistening with sweat. Bodies grinding, tails exploring.

You go, boys!

The golden Saiyan crouched to a sitting position, pulling his darker companion over his lap. Both wet their fingers, exploring each other's intimate places beneath their tails. Vegeta straddled Goku, crying out as he was entered. A large hand massaged the root of his tail, eliciting moans of pleasure.

Woooeee!! Wish I had one of those...

Vegeta duplicated the gesture, fisting the base of Goku's tail. Both Saiyans open kissed, tongues slopping wildly as they clutched in sweat.

Makes me wish I was young again!

Vegeta's legs wound tightly around powerful hips, his head thrown back as he rode high. Goku had him in a crushing hold, burying his face against Vegeta's neck as he pumped harder. Backs rippled as they clenched and strained for completion, hips grinding in a frenzy as they neared the finish...

Carefull, boys. Don't burst anything!

The Saiyans cried out, shouting names in rapturous ecstacy as they shattered, convulsing for minutes on end.

Hurts good, doesn't it, heh heh...

The pair collapsed on the mat. Goku yanked Vegeta's head forward and kissed his throat, displaying dominance. Slow strokes and soft whispers came, followed by sleep.

Guess the show's over...

Master Roshi snapped back to the present. He remembered having to relieve himself after viewing that little spectacle. But just thinking about it was making his old peter...stand on end.

Hee hee hee...

"Hey, Master Roshi! This food is great."

Roshi blinked. Goku smiled at him with his typically open statement, laughing as he emptied another plate.

"Heh. Well, it pays to have a good appetite" that innocent act don't cut no ice with me, boy!

"MMmpf" Goku waved a turkey leg at him as he inhaled a bowl of noodles. Piccolo rolled his eyes in dismay.

"Sometimes I wonder if he has a tapeworm."

Yamcha chuckled. "The tapeworm wouldn't stand a chance, Piccolo! Did you guys see this wild deck of cards over here?" he held them up.

Tien peered over. "What?! He actually bought those? I can't believe it."

Vegeta was typically distant. "It would appear that Roshi retains his capacity for...lewd paraphanelia."

Roshi looked over at him. Heh, tough talk from our violent Prince! How's things underneath Goku these days?

"C'mon, don't be so uptight, Vegeta" Tien teased. "Take a look at this deck. Pretty wild, eh?"

Vegeta snatched up some of the cards, reviewing them scornfully. "Hmm. I see a variety of positions on these ones."

Tien nudged Yamcha who grinned. "Makes you think, doesn't it?"

Vegeta huffed. "Only if you're into poor taste" he placed the cards on the table. Goku looked at one absently.

"Hey, that's pretty kinky. The one on the left. Can you imagine people doing that kind of stuff?"

Roshi nearly fell over. That particular card displayed two men coupling.

The Z warriors stared. "You okay, Master Roshi?" Yamcha snickered. "I wouldn't think you could be embarrassed by much of anything."

The old man rolled on the floor, laughing.

Piccolo shrugged. "I don't get it. What's the punchline?"

Krillin scratched his head. "If there even is one. What's so funny?"

Roshi caught his breath as he sat back up. "Oh, nothing. Don't mind this old man, boys. I have to have my fun where I can get it!"

"Okay, Master Roshi" Yamcha grinned. "What's the deal? You haven't tried any of this stuff, have you?!"

"Can I plead no contest? Let's just say I've seen it around here."

Yamcha snickered at Goku, pointing at the elder Master. "Boy, there's no fool like an old fool!"

Goku smiled, shrugged. "To each his own, I guess. Don't get me in the middle of this, Yamcha!"

The old Master sipped his tea, eyeing him. You're already smack in the middle. Or is that on top?

"You're a smooth one, Goku" Roshi grinned. If I hadn't seen it for myself...

The tall Saiyan looked at him curiously, brown eyes widening. "Me? How so?"

Roshi shrugged innocently, steam rolling off his glasses. "Oh, I don't know. You're so modest and all..."

"Ha. Yeah, I'm a regular boy scout."

Krillin made a silly salute. "Innocent as the driven snow!"

Roshi laughed again. "Why of course, of course. But who does the driving?"

Goku was taken aback. "Ah...huh???"

"Is there something in your tea, Roshi?" Piccolo stared at him. "You're in a particularly weird mood tonight."

Roshi grinned at his secret. "Well...a little aphrodisiac never hurt anyone, hee hee..."

Now Yamcha rolled his eyes. "Great. Now we're going to get an earful of Erotikaii stories."

"I kind of like comparative literature" Tien snickered.

Goku put down a plate, shaking his head. "Now I know why the kids couldn't come tonight. This is pretty wild!"

"No one wants to hear about your fantasies again, Roshi" Vegeta chimed in with a smirk. "Past achievements won't bring satisfaction in the present."

Yamcha cracked up. "Hey, did Vegeta just make a joke? Quick, get this on camera!"

"Good shot, old chap!" Tien waved his approval.

Vegeta was smug. "Someone has to take him down a peg."

Krillen chuckled, holding his sides. "Oh, man! Vegeta's getting mellow. Who'd ever believe it!"

"Baka. The Prince of Saiyans is never 'mellow'. But I do enjoy banter at times."

"You enjoy quite a few things, eh?"

Vegeta stared. "What are you getting at?"

"Well, you said my cards are in poor taste."

"They are!"

"Man, I thought this was supposed to be a party" Goku nudged Krillen.

"Tell me about it. Sounds like a fight-"

"I suppose memories are good. Particularly when that's all you have left!" Vegeta started up.

Roshi shook a fist. "Careful. I get plenty of satisfaction you know-"

Tien stared at them both. "Uh, guys? Where is this going-"

"Quiet" Vegeta snapped, turning back to Roshi. "I have no patience with your endless obsession with sex."

Roshi laughed hard, showing his less than perfect teeth. "Oooee. That's a mighty strange statement, considering the source."

"Nani??" Vegeta was perplexed. "Idiot."

Goku rolled his eyes. "Oh brother, is there a full moon or what?"

Krillen shrugged. "I don't know about the moon, but someone's gonna be seeing stars at this rate-"

"You're a fine one to talk about excess, o Prince of the whatevers" Roshi mocked. "At least I don't have obsessions in gyms and locker room areas!"

KKSSSHHH!!!

Everyone stared in surprise. The food bowl Goku held shattered.

"Uh...oops?" he gave his best innocent routine, round eyes and all. His hands were full of rice and broken glass.

Piccolo held his head. "Does anyone have an aspirin?"

Vegeta was floored, gawking at Roshi. "What...are you talking about?"

Roshi grinned. "Think about it a bit. And then keep your pants on for once."

"Yo twilight zone, coming up!!" Yamcha made a face. "Beam me up. Ship boards in two minutes..."

Krillin examined his cup. "It's gotta be spiked. Yeah, that's it..."

Roshi caught a brief glimpse between Goku and Vegeta.

Very good, boys. Besides, you look great when you sweat...

"Now then, I'm going to issue my challenge game."

That startled everyone. "Challenge game?" they chorused.

Roshi sipped his cup again. "Yup. That deck you looked at has a challenge written on the other side of each card. Everyone gets a hand, and each person is challenged by the one sitting next to him."

"But what if someone lies?" Yamcha asked.

"Then he loses a card in the deck. The winner has the largest hand."

Tien lifted his hand. "Yeah, but how are we gonna know if someone is lying?"

Roshi laughed. "Silly boy. Watch the aura of their ki. If it's yellow, they're speaking the truth. If it's white, they're hiding something. If it's red, they're lying."

"Oh boy" Krillen sounded excited. "This is better than truth or dare!"

"What's the topic of the challenge?" Tien wanted to know.

Roshi clucked in satisfaction. "Do you have to ask. Sex, of course!!"

Tien looked up. "Of course."

Piccolo snorted. "My answers will probably bore everyone."

****

Everyone took their seats at the table. Roshi dealt the deck.

"No funny stuff, Master Roshi" Yamcha shook a finger. "I know you cheat at cards."

"Me, cheat? I'm in too good a mood. In fact, I may even write a song about sex in locker rooms and training facilities."

"Now where the hell did that come from?" Piccolo asked in confusion.

"Just cut the stupid cards already!!" Vegeta blurted.

Yamcha scratched his head. "Hah? What's got you so burned, Vegeta?"

The Saiyan Prince huffed, folded his arms. "I'm not burned about anything. This old fool rankles me!"

"I didn't know you wrote songs, Master Roshi" Goku piped up sarcastically. "Are you talented?"

"Not as talented as you, my dear boy. Or energetic."

Goku frowned at him. "What's that crack supposed to mean?"

Krillen shrugged at Tien. "Everyone's crazy."

****

They each had six cards. Roshi briefly went over the rules once more.

"Remember, your ki will give out the truth in this game. If you have more than three 'neutral' answers you forfeit the hand to the person on your right."

"Color coding again?" Krillen asked.

"Yellow, the truth. White, a secret. Red, a lie."

Tien exhaled. "Let's get going, then. Am I first?"

Roshi nodded. "Yup. And remember, the person to your right has to answer first."

Tien pulled a card. "Okay, let's see...oh boy" his eyes went large. "First question...how often do you have sex? One to three times a week, three to six times a week...or more than six?" he looked at Krillin.

Krillin looked up. "Ah, well, uh...I guess you could put me down for one to three."

Everyone waited. His aura was yellow. Yamcha answered next.

"Three to six."

Piccolo. "Zero to three. I told you my answers would be boring."

Goku. "Put me down for more than six."

"Figures" Yamcha snickered.

"I also would say six" Vegeta responded.

Roshi. "I hate to admit it, but zero to one. I know it's hard to believe, with me being a sex machine and all-"

"I can't picture that" Goku eyed him, teasing.

"Who would want to?" Piccolo retorted.

Tien. "Probably...two to four for me. Okay Krillin, your turn to draw."

"Ha, you had an easy one, buddy. Let's see" the diminutive warrior pulled a card out.

"Whoo boy" he made a face. "Are you kidding me??" he stared at the card he drew from the deck.

"What?" Yamcha peeped.

Krillin coughed. "Okay, guys, bear with me on this one" he squinted at the card. "The question on this one is...do you like to taste your lover's feet?"

The men all groaned and rolled their eyes.

"I'll gladly forfeit on this one" Piccolo griped, taking a card from his hand. His aura was white.

Yamcha blushed. "Well, I ah...guess you could put me down for a yes."

"Yuck" Tien responded. "Too out there for me. Make it a no!"

Krillen. "Uh...I'll give a maybe?"

"You can't have a maybe" Roshi shook a finger. "Yes or no!"

Krillen gave a devilish smile. "How about yes and no? Depending on the person's feet?"

"No one wants to hear this!" Vegeta blurted.

"Call the play, Vegeta" Roshi insisted. "Or forfeit!"

"I forfeit, along with the Namek. I refuse to answer such idiocy-"

Tien snorted. "Man, are you uptight. It's a miracle the Saiyan race survived at all if they were that prissy."

"Who's prissy?!"

Krillen coughed again. "Okay, Goku. You've been pretty quiet. What's your answer?"

"Hmm" the handsome Saiyan tapped his chin. "Well, I suppose if the feet tasted good I wouldn't have a problem with it-"

"Good Lord" Tien made a face. Yamcha just stared.

"Your turn to answer, Master Roshi" Krillen pointed, snickering.

"Well, let's see...I can remember the day when..."

"Enough ancient literature, answer the question!" Vegeta insisted.

"Excuse me, dear Prince" Roshi lifted an eyebrow. "You seem a bit agitated. What's wrong? Can't handle the rules, hmm?"

Vegeta sat back with confidence. "Saiyans are hot blooded. I can handle anything you put out and then some!"

Roshi cackled. "I understand. On the subject of putting out...try not to forfeit any more cards. Enjoy yourself! I know you're good at it."

Everyone pointedly stared at him.

"Old man..." Vegeta stuttered. "What are you trying to say-"

"Can we move on before there's a fight?" Yamcha held up a hand. "Who draws next?"

"Me, I believe" Goku frowned at his hand. "Let's see...this one isn't too bad. What would be your favorite dessert to make love with?"

"Oh, that's easy for me" Yamcha clapped his hands together. "I'd say...peaches and cream!"

"Very good" Krillen gave him a sly wink. "Here's mine...rum butter and candy sprinkles."

Goku looked to his right. "Tien?"

The bald z warrior grinned. "Well...I'd say... melted marshmallows!"

"Hmm, not bad" Yamcha rubbed his stomach. "Little gooky, though..."

"Here's mine!" Roshi piped up. "I'll go with tomato sauce!"

"Tomato sauce?!" Everyone echoed.

"That's weird" Krillen made a face.

"I prefer chocolate syrup" Vegeta stated, startling nearly everyone.

"Whoa" Tien said appreciatively. He nudged Yamcha.

"Spare me" Vegeta sniffed.

Roshi snuffed. "Heh. What about you, Goku??"

Goku gave a sly smile. "Honey. Lots of nice, warm honey."

"Woo!" Krillen held his throat. "I'm not touching that one..."

Tien and Yamcha just laughed. Roshi noted a slight smile on Vegita's face.

"Goku, you dog" Tien teased.

"Who, me?" that innocent routine again.

"Water for me" Piccolo commented.

"WATER?!!" the group couldn't believe it.

The Namek shrugged. "Well, that's all we Nameks live on, anyway-"

Yamcha snorted. "Yeah. Besides, what's so sexy about spitting out an egg? Geez...

"Jam it, Yamcha. Go cry over Bulma some more!"

Vegeta laughed.

"Kusotarre!!" Yamcha moved across the table at the Saiyan Prince.

Krillen restrained him. "Man! We're coming off the spool here..."

Yamcha let out a stream of curses.

Roshi cracked up, pointing at them all. "If you can't stand the heat, go hide! This isn't a game for chickens. Grow up, Yamcha!"

"Yes. Before I beat your head in" Vegeta warned him.

"Promises, promises, jerk!"

"Cool it, Yamcha" Goku told him. "We're playing a game here."

"Well said, Goku" Roshi giggled. "You of course would know. But sometimes it pays to be careful."

The Saiyan stared at him, eyes narrowing. What does he suspect-

"Man, talking about sex sure makes everyone crazy" Tien observed.

"Then perhaps it should be talked about less and done a bit more!" shouted an annoyed Piccolo.

"Ugh. Game's breaking up" Tien stared. "Guess you Nameks get frustrated, huh?"

Yamcha pointed. "He's asexual, for crying out loud! How the hell would he even know if he were frustrated!"

"HEE. Now everyone is fired up" Roshi clucked.

"Idiots" Vegeta concluded. "Who draws next?"

"I do!" Piccolo nearly shouted, snatching a card from his hand.

"Hmm" his eyes widened in curiousity. "I think I've got a goody here..."

"Spill it!" Krillin was hopeful for some normalcy.

"The card asks...do you have another love in your life?"

Roshi turned his eyes to Goku and Vegeta.

"What are you staring at!" Vegeta wanted to know. Something strange is going on here...

"Well, I would say no right now" Tien stated. "Since I'm not married, I'm not sure it applies-"

"Of course it does" Roshi answered him. "You could be cheating on your new ladyfriend."

"I'm not!!"

"Uh, Tien, he's not accusing you. He's just using that example, remember?" Krillen reminded him.

Tien looked abashed. "Gomen. Oh, yeah. Oops."

"I'm not a cheater either, so my answer is no" Krillen added.

"I suppose I'm in the 'not applicable' category" Piccolo nearly laughed. "It's hard to cheat on Kami when he's part of me in the first place."

Goku considered. "You've got a point there."

Yamcha sighed. "I don't even have anyone to cheat on right now. But my answer is no."

"There's only one person in my life" Vegeta said with great intensity. "It would be impossible for me to cheat. I also say no."

Roshi sighed wistfully. "Unfortuneately I strayed from my wives. Oh, I loved them, but-"

"Does all that mean yes?" Krillen wanted to know.

"Unless you want to hear the graphic version" Tien warned. "And I don't think anyone does."

"No need to get ugly about it, boy" Roshi snorted. "Stop daydreaming, Goku!"

"Who's daydreaming? I can't get a word in edgewise."

"What's your answer?" Yamcha wanted to know.

Goku sighed. "I have to tell the truth here. I have another love besides Chi Chi..."

Everyone at the table gasped. Vegeta went pale, his dark eyes widening.

Roshi sipped his tea. How very interesting.

"G-Goku?" Yamcha stammered. "You don't mean you're cheating on Chi Chi?!"

Even Krillen couldn't believe it. "It's got to be a joke, right?"

"No, it's not."

"This is incredible. I can't see Goku as cheating..." Tien began.

Piccolo looked across the table. "What's your problem? You look like you're going to pass out" he stared at Vegeta.

"Mind your own buisness, Namek!!"

Goku patted his stomach. "Food!"

Everyone took a moment to exhale. What?

"That's my other love. Food!" he laughed.

Yamcha shook a finger at him. "You are one evil dude!"

Krillen laughed nervously. "Yeah, you had me going there for a minute, too!"

Roshi snapped his fingers. "Damn!" he wanted a confession.

Vegeta remembered to breathe. "Hmm. I believe it's my turn, now" he reviewed his cards coolly, drawing one from his hand. A frown soon formed on his handsome features.

"WHAT??"

A beat of silence as the Saiyan Prince drained of color again.

"I...this game is rigged!!" he yelled, shaking the drawn card.

"Rigged? Hell, you pulled the card" Yamcha taunted.

"For Kami's sake, Vegeta" Tien complained. "What's the question?"

The apopletic prince sputtered. "It says...what is your favorite place to have sex?"

"So what?" Piccolo threw his hands up. "It seems like a simple enough question-"

"Quiet, dolt. The question has options. The kitchen, bathroom, bedroom, hallway, or...or..."

"Or what??" Tien wanted to know.

Vegeta covered his eyes. "Public places like showers, locker rooms and training facilities!"

Krillin stared. "Man, that seems to be a popular topic tonight-"

Goku rolled his eyes in annoyance as Roshi fell over laughing again.

"Kuso!!" Vegeta hissed.

"Eh?" Yamcha didn't catch the inflection. "What is going on here?"

Roshi finally controlled himself, wiping off his glasses. "Mercy, have pity on an old man. Why, the mind spins with possibilites, eh?"

"Your mind needs to settle down a bit, I'd say" Goku gave him a sidelong look.

"Not just his mind" Yamcha snickered, poking Tien.

"Someone get Vegeta a senzu bean, he looks rather ill" Piccolo observed.

"I told you to shut your face, Namek!" the Saiyan Prince blustered. "I'm fine!!"

"Carefull, Vegeta. You might burst a vein."

"Or worse still, burst something he might need later!" Roshi laughed again.

"ENOUGH of your stupid riddles, old man!!" Vegeta exploded. "I forfeit. I'm out!!" the angry Saiyan slammed his cards on the table.

Tien snickered. "Boy, somebody sure hit a nerve. But what's the secret, Vegeta?"

Vegeta paled again. "Secret? What are you babbling? I merely forfeited-"

"Enough, already" Goku was annoyed. "Master Roshi, you've been throwing out innuendos all night-"

"Sorry, Goku" he hummed a song to himself.

"If you have a card to draw, do it!" Piccolo insisted.

"Ah, but no one gave their answer to the last question yet."

Piccolo sighed. "Okay. Here's another boring answer. Any place that's quiet."

"That isn't on the list" Rochi reminded him.

"All right, the kitchen!"

Tien. "I'll be a traditonalist. The bedroom."

Yamcha. "The bathroom, I suppose."

Krillen. "Oh, I'll go with the hallway. Just might be in a hurry, you know?"

Goku paused. "Hmm. I'd say the kitchen too. Then you could get something to eat afterward."

"Man, Goku. You always think of your stomach, no matter what!" Tien laughed.

Roshi hummed annoyingly again.

"Could you please stop that noise!" Piccolo complained.

"I for once agree" Vegeta added.

"Yeah, Master Roshi" even Yamcha chimed in. "Besides, you're off key!"

"It was an old favorite of mine" Roshi informed them. "Haven't you ever heard the song Stand by your Man?"

"Excuse me!" Vegeta abruptly stood and left the room.

"Hey! What's got him all bent?" Yamcha pointed.

Goku looked at Roshi a moment. "I'd better see what the problem is" he also left.

Krillen shrugged. "This party is busting up for sure."

Tien. "Weird."

****

Goku caught up with Vegeta outside the Kami household. Vegeta stood off, staring up at the starlit sky. Goku approached him.

"I refuse to participate any longer" Vegeta said, not turning around.

"I understand" Goku replied, standing alongside. "The game's getting old, anyway. Want to leave?"

Vegeta turned slightly. "Hn. Kakarot, is it me, or did Roshi seem to be...indicating something?"

"You mean all the veiled references? Yeah."

"I wasn't sure what he was getting at...until he hummed that stupid song!"

Goku looked at the sky also. "Let's go. I think everyone's had enough, anyway."

"Hn. I will wait."

Goku nodded. I'll go let 'em know it's getting late" he went back inside.

****

"So where's Mr. Stuck Up?" Yamcha wanted to know.

"Give it a rest, Yamcha" Goku told him. "He just got tired of the game, that's all."

"So you're heading out now?" Tien asked.

"Yeah, just came in to say see you guys later."

Krillen stretched. "It's been real. Besides, the party was breaking up anyway."

"It needed to" Goku glanced at Roshi. "Things were getting a little out of hand for a friendly card game."

Roshi snuffed. "Sorry about that. Hee. Oh, well. You sleep tight, Goku. Don't let the bed bugs bite!"

Goku lifted an eyebrow at him before leaving.

"You're really weird, you know that?" Piccolo asked Roshi.

Roshi cleared the table. "You don't know the half of it."

****

Two figures streaked into the night in silence.

Goku smiled to himself, feeling the wind in his face. /Crazy night./

He sensed something. Turning to his side he saw Vegeta looking at him, wild raven hair gusting everywhere.

Their eyes locked in flight, warmth flickering and increasing in intensity.

Vegeta lowered his gaze, catlike and seductive. Goku licked his upper lip in response, taunting.

They both abruptly headed west in a burst of speed.