Welcome to Boxer & Rice

What came over me? What the hell is wrong with me?! Gohan would be livid if he knew I was watching him. Does he know already? My head still swam. Did I just imagine all this? Juuhachi gou must have kicked me in the head harder than I thought. I must be dreaming then. Yes dreaming if I actually think I may have a chance with him. But he didn’t push me away. He seemed to be watching me as well. I could have swore he heard me. Heard me whisper his name as I climaxed over my hand, his clothes soaked with his scent in my free hand. The same clothes I was suppose to put in the laundry but snuck back to my room instead. “What am I thinking” I said aloud as I stroked the soft orange material. It couldn’t work. We couldn’t work ; even if I had a chance. He’s so much older than me. Do I have a chance? Why did he let me do that? My mind was a whorl of unanswered questions, confusion and desire.

It was almost dawn. I lay in my bed stewing in my own thoughts most of the night. Sleep must have forgotten me. I finally drift off to sleep after having decided to put Gohan san out of my head. I curled up in a ball on my small bed and hugged his clothes to me. In my dreams his scent of rain and vanilla would always be around me. “Go….han s..an.” Even unconsciously I think of him, call for him, yearn for him. The dream was maddening. The sensation of a warm hand on me. But through the haze of a dream it lacked clarity and substance. His scent was even stronger now. “Gohan..san” I murmur again. My hands reaching out to grab hold of my phantom would-be lover. I feel warmth surround me and a ghost of a kiss over my lips. At least I can have him in my dreams.

***

I roll out of bed despite the protest of my sore muscles. I still have not fully recovered yet. Sleep has eluded me for hours. I decide to just get up instead. I have something more important to do now than sleep anyway. I have to talk to him. He may not even be up yet. But I couldn’t wait the couple of hours more. I needed to see him now, I’ve waited long enough. It’s very early, but that didn’t stop me.

I went out of the house and flew around to his room instead of walking through and risk waking Buruma. I lowered myself to his bedroom window and peered in a few minutes later. The small golden and red rays of dawn crept in and bathed the small room in it’s warm glow. I saw my lavender haired friend curled up on the side of the bed. One hand tucked under him, the other hung over the side. I smiled at the picture he made. I slowly opened the window as not to wake him. Not just yet from his hard won slumber. The small lines under his eyes suggest his erratic sleeping habits. He’s so peaceful when he sleeps. But I have to wake him. I think we need to talk. The little bathroom incident was enough to confirm my suspicions that he may see me as more than a friend and mentor. How do I see him? I am 10 years his senior, I ponder to myself as a hand reaches out to stroke his soft hair fondly. He rolled over slightly laying on his back and arched into my hand. “Go..han san” he whispered even in sleep. Does he know I’m here? Or is he dreaming about me?

Then I looked down. I saw him clutching my orange gi. The same orange gi he held in his free hand as he stroked himself to completion. //Don’t think about that right now// I moved my hand from his head to his arm and shook him slightly. “Torankusu” I said softly and looked at his young but handsome face for signs of him waking. There were none except a small smile that played on his lips. He pulled his arm away and reached for me, murmuring my name again and again. I let him pull me close, my eyes on his parted lips. I know it’s wrong but somehow his dream induced pleas called to me. His voice and arms pulled me in and I could not break free. I don’t think I ever could. So I didn’t try. I just leaned in and kissed the lips that beckoned me. I heard Torankusu moan a little and his eyes fluttered open. He froze. I could see the panic and desire in his blue eyes. They darted about the room before I reluctantly broke our kiss. He pulled his arms away and backed up towards the head of the bed.

***

“Go…gohan san!?” I stared at him in shock. He only moved closer and placed a hand on mine. I looked down at his hand, then up to his face. I saw longing and guilt at the same time. I broke his gaze and looked down at the rumpled sheets. Why is he looking at me that way? I thought to myself and felt heat prickling my face. My lips tingled too. I hesitantly brought a hand to them and just barely touched where Gohan placed his a moment before. When I awoke Gohan san laid on top of me, his arm was wrapped around me, and mine around him. I clung to him tightly and moaned as I felt him trying to devour my lips. Then the realization hit me. He feels the same way I do? “Is this what you want” he said moving closer still. It is what I want. What I’ve wanted for a while but couldn’t name. But I never thought I could have it. Now that it’s within my grasp I’m too petrified to take it.

“I understand if your scared Torankusu. My feelings shocked me too when I realized I had them. I suspected yours for a while. I knew for certain after yesterday” he said looking down at his clothes in my hand. My face burned even more at having been found out so easily. But at the same time I was happy. Happy that he did not spurn me after learning about my feelings. Even more pleased that he seemed to return them as well.

Then he spoke again. “Even before the androids I always wanted to protect you, keep you safe. Wanted you to be strong, become stronger than me. Most of all I wanted you to be happy. It ate away at me every time you cried because of our situation with the androids. I blamed myself for that, because I could not beat them. But one day that will change. Then they will be gone, and I’ll never see tears in your beautiful eyes again. I love you Torankusu.” I can’t believe I’m hearing this! “Gohan…” was all I could manage, my eyes still wide in slight disbelief. After a moment I finally regained some of my composure. “I..I love you too..Gohan san..” He simply smiled back “I know.” Another pause. I broke the silence. “Gohan san…what now?” “I’m sure you’ve thought about this already, and even though I share your feelings, our age difference hasn’t changed. Ten years isn’t that much time when you really think about it, but you are still too young. It would be wrong. And your mother…what would she think? “Kaasan..?” I hadn’t even thought of that! “I don’t think she’ll necessarily be against our relationship because we’re both male, but more because of your age. “Un” I said, again inwardly cursing my youth. “In a few years. I can wait. We can’t truly be together until then.” “Okay.” I said a little reluctantly. But he’s right. I then noticed the sun shone more brightly in the room. Gohan san had too. “Well I’m glad we had this little talk” he said with a smile. “Try to get some sleep” “Hai” said I. He looked at me softly for a moment longer before he flew out the open window and closed it again. Surprisingly, sleep found me quickly this time. Gohan’s gi was still next to me.

***

I felt as if a great weight was lifted. I felt a calm happiness I hadn’t felt in along while. Especially since the androids arrived. I walked softly past Buruma’s room. I didn’t make a sound but noticed she wasn’t in her bed. Slight apprehension nagged at the back of my mind. How long has she been up? Did she hear us? I dismissed the thought and walked back to my room even as I saw a shock of pale blue in the corner of my eye emerging from the kitchen. She’ll probably just think I went to the bathroom. Yea I told myself as I felt her gaze on me up until I reached the door and closed it behind me.

***

The weeks crept by. Gohan recovered quite quickly. I sat by his bed and we talked for a little while. Then kaasan walked in with a large bag of groceries. “Ah..Gohan you’re in here. This is perfect. I bet you’re hungry. I bought a lot so I’ll make extra” she said smiling as she walked out of the room. Then suddenly she poked her head back in. “But don’t do anything dangerous” she said in a less than cheerful tone. I immediately stopped what I was doing. A look of panic on my face. Even Gohan san looked a little flustered. Does she know about us? I dismissed the thought and concluded she was talking about my fighting along side Gohan san instead. At least that’s what I want to believe.

Afterwards, I brought him a bowl of kaasan’s soup like he did me that time before. Like his father he ate with gusto. Mom’s cooking can nurse anyone back to health. He slurped greedily, the broth running down his chin. I had to suppress the urge to go lick it away. Finally he finished. “Zan kyuu Buruma!” Gohan said happily. Kaasan simply smiled and put the empty bowl in the sink.

***

After Gohan san lost his arm he decided to train twice as hard. “You have to get angrier than that!” he yelled. I felt myself getting closer this time; my hair starting to stand up and merge together as I had seen Gohan san’s hair do. I try to push my power as high as it would go despite his words against it. I can’t just ‘get angrier.’ What am I doing wrong? I fall to the ground with a graceless thud. I failed again. Gohan san comes to stand over me. “I guess that’s enough for today” he says.

“Aa.” My sweat drenched, and weary limbs and body throbbed in pain and agreement. Even my hair seemed dead as it clung to my face. I felt his hand on my shoulder and heard him sit down next to me. I finally opened my heavy eye lids at the sound of rustling. Gohan san had moved to lay back against the huge slab of rock where we trained. I looked down at Gohan san’s handsome face as he stared off at the clouds moving above us. I look into his dark eyes and feel my skin begin to tingle again. ‘I love you Torankusu’ I can still hear his words in my head.

***

“Why can’t I become a super saiyajin?!” I yell frustrated. Frustrated by my inability to achieve my goal and not have what I want, who I want when I want it. Geez I’m such a brat. How can I wait years for this? For him? But I must. Anything good is worth waiting for, and patience is a virtue. This was my daily mantra. Gohan san looked up. He must have sensed my ‘inner turmoil.’ “You’ll get there soon Torankusu.” he said; his remaining arm tucked behind his head. Then he continued. “It took me a long while too. You have to be angry to become a super saiyajin. When Pikkoro, Kuririn, and everyone was killed by the androids…I remember that to do it. When the time is right you’ll become a super saiyajin.”

“Hai!” his encouragement lifts my spirits yet again. Yea we’ll get through this…I know we will, my mind whispered. One day we’ll beat the androids and then we can be together. But then my improving mood plummeted when a light from a loud explosion flashed in the distance. We already knew who was responsible. Fuck! NO! Not now! my mind screamed. Gohan san stood up abruptly. His power surged around him, his hair like spun gold, his eyes the epitome of determination.

***

“They’re attacking the capitol!” Torankusu yelled in anger. //It ate away at me every time you cried because of our situation with the androids. I blamed myself for that, because I could not beat them. But one day that will change. Then they will be gone and then I’ll never see tears in your beautiful eyes again// My own words rang in my ears and I remembered my promise. “Damn robots I’ll get them this time!!”

***

No! “Gohan san you can’t fight in the shape you’re in!” “Torankusu, stay here.” His voice left no room for discussion. That didn’t stop me. “NO! I don’t want to! I’ve gotten a lot stronger since last time! I know I’m still not strong enough yet but…I won’t let you do this alone. I won’t!!” I can’t bare to see him hurt again.

“Torankusu! You’re underestimating their power!!” he yells, berating me for my overconfidence. I don’t want to be a spectator. “I want to fight along side you Gohan san!” He must know that by now.

I think my last statement finally got through to him. “All right Torankusu.” he says simply. Thank Kami he listened to me. I’ll finally be able to help him. I turn back towards the capitol where the androids are. I prepare to take off when a sharp pain explodes in the back of my skull and stops me in my tracks. -Gohan san….no…let me go with you- my mind screams as unconsciousness pulls me under. “Torankusu you are our last hope. If you die there will be no one left to protect the earth.” I can barely make out what he said, the darkness still clawing at my mind. “In a few years you will be strong enough to defeat the robots.” -Gohan ….no..don’t- But he’s already gone.

***

When I finally awoke, as expected my head throbbed and ached. It didn’t matter. I had to find my Gohan. I fly over the city. I sensed neither the androids nor Gohan. //Masaka!// I finally see something in the distance. I recognize the orange gi right away. He lies face down in a puddle, completely unmoving. “Gohan san…..Gohan..san…” I repeated over and over until I could no longer hear the words. I said them louder as if my voice could bring him back. “GOHAN SAN!….GOHAN SAN!” I could hear them now and my voice breaking as I cradled his lifeless head in my arms. My Gohan, my master, my mentor, and one day I hoped ; my lover. I felt my hot tears mix with the cold rain I hadn’t even noticed till then. The cold rain that seeped into my skin and washed away all my happiness, my dreams, my hopes. Washed away the promise of a day when the androids would be gone, the earth would be safe, we could start anew, and I’d be with the one I loved. Now that dying promise bled out of me and the still body next to me. Bled, mingled with the cleansing rain and disappeared down the drain forever. I couldn’t even hear my enraged, hysterical howl as more of my sanity was ripped from me and pushed me over the edge. I finally went super saiyajin that night. But at such a price.

I am

a fighter

a wisher

a hoper

a dreamer

I am sad

My heart and mind are a shambles.

I am ‘earth’s last hope’ Gohan san said.

I’ve never felt more alone.