Earth is in danger again, and Goku and Vegeta go on a mission to save it. While carrying out the mission they discover the truth about themselves, the anime and the entire fandom.
Goku x Vegeta
A/N 1: Hey, I’m back to DBZ fandom. I wonder if anyone still remembers me. Ah, you know how they say: East or West home is best ^_^ Anyway, I thought I’d start to post UC later, but as it’s Christmas and the story kinda also starts with Christmas thematic… And the mood is also light, so what the hell, I thought.
A/N 2: Keep in mind, that I started writing this fic more than three years ago. From time to time, I would add chunks to it until it has shaped out as it is now. So in some places it’s really lame, but ah well. It’s my first attempt at a humorous story. I hope I will manage to make you crack a smile. The later chapters are better. Naturally.
A/N 3: Besides UC, I have also started working on another story. That one is serious and…well, I really, really like how it’s turning out. So sooner or later I’ll also start posting that one.
Vegeta was busy. It was one of those days when nothing worked out as planned. He was trying to fry eggs. But the only thing coming out of the kitchen was the sound of his curses and muttering.
“I swear, one day I’ll kill her,” the prince cursed when frying oil decided to start jumping and spitting in the pan. “I fucking swear!” he yelped, rubbing his right hand.
“Vegeta, honey, don’t forget to take Trunks to school.” Bulma’s mother stuck her blond head through the kitchen door.
“Alright! Go to hell! I remember!” Vegeta shook his fist at the spitting pan where ten eggs were loudly sizzling. “And stop staring at my ass!”
Bulma’s mother rolled her eyes. “I don’t know where you got that idea. You even aren’t my type…”
“Yeah?!” Vegeta spat back at the frying pan. “So who gave me those shorts made only of strings for Christmas?!”
“But, honey, you were just so excited to open all the presents! It was meant for my husband!” Bulma’s mother waved her hands frantically in irritation, remembering how last year Vegeta had claimed all of the gifts under the tree in the name of Vegeta-sei. “That swimsuit, which you completely ruined by putting it on, was for me! And that vibrator was Yamcha’s present to Bulma!” The blond woman’s hand suddenly traveled to her mouth, trying to shove the words back, which, of course, was impossible.
“WHAT?!” Vegeta turned around, his eyes ablaze, his right hand holding a wooden spatula for turning eggs. “Fucking bastard! I’ll teach him to cross me!”
Suddenly Vegeta was gone, leaving the blonde to stare at the new hole in the roof. “Oh my,” she muttered after a while, “I’d better phone Goku.”
Goku got to Yamcha’s just in time. Almost. Anyway, he was in time to find Yamcha with burn marks on the side of his face that suspiciously resembled the shape of a spatula. There were two new doors in Yamcha’s flat: one made by Vegeta entering, another made by him leaving.
Goku observed Yamcha. Yamcha looked back at Goku. Goku scratched his head.
“Want some ice?” Goku finally asked.
“Yes, thank you,” Yamcha sighed, gathering himself from the floor.
“What the hell happened?” Goku asked while ransacking the fridge.
“Someone told him what I gave Bulma for Christmas.” Yamcha gratefully took the bag of ice from Goku’s hand and pressed it to his face.
Goku blinked at Yamcha. “I’m a bit afraid to ask, but what did you give Bulma?” He sat down on the chair opposite Yamcha.
“Mrfmtbgh...mgpgh…” Yamcha said.
“Yes, I want to know,” Goku opposed.
“Vrpthgj,” Yamcha said.
“Could you remove that bag from your mouth?” Goku sighed. No, sometimes he could swear that he was the brightest of them all.
“It hurts,” Yamcha complained. “I said I gave her a vibrator.” He put the bag of ice back on his face.
Goku stared at Yamcha for some time then sighed. “Alright, then this is what I can’t understand: when did you become so suicidal and how come you are still alive?”
“He said he left something frying on the stove,” Yamcha shrugged.
“Ah.” Goku said. Then he thought a moment. “Not anymore. The eggs were perfectly fried when I last saw them. And tasted good too.”
There was an enormous roar then a swish of air as the enraged prince appeared against Goku.
“Kakarott! The blonde told me that you ate my eggs!” the prince seethed. “I fucking have been trying to fry them all damn morning! And you fucking come and fucking eat them! I fucking hate you! And you fucking-”
“I’ll buy you dinner,” Goku sighed, pulling his phone out of his pocket.
Vegeta stared at Goku, his mouth open, ready to shout and curse more, his left eye twitching.
“Chichi,” Goku said into the phone, “I’ll be home in a few hours. Yeah, sure. Have to feed Vegeta. What do you mean he can take care of himself? You know that he can’t! Remember what happened last time he tried to make a stew? Yeah, that’s what I’m telling you,” Goku nodded to no one in particular. He looked at his watch. “I don’t know. Might take a long time – Bulma has been gone for almost a week now. He must be pretty hungry. How should I know?” Goku demonstratively rolled his eyes at the ceiling where a fourth door had been made by Vegeta returning. Goku shrugged, observing Vegeta. “At least he looks pretty hungry to me.”
“Shut up,” Vegeta glared at him.
“Alright, have to go,” Goku finished the call. He looked at Vegeta whose attention was concentrated back on Yamcha. “Vegeta, we have to hurry up, they close restaurants very early these days…” Goku tried.
“What?” Vegeta snapped out of it, and stopped his growling and staring at Yamcha. He turned back to Goku. “So are we going or what? I prefer to finish this on a full stomach.”
“Fine,” Goku rolled his eyes. “You are so childish sometimes that it amazes me.” He shot into the air through the third door. Vegeta followed him through the fourth one.
“You are so stupid most of the time, that it doesn’t amaze me at all anymore,” Vegeta spat back. “Besides, did you hear what he gave my Woman for Christmas?! Like she needs that! On Friday, before she went away, we-”
“Shhh,” Goku frantically waved his hands before him, “I really don’t want to know this. I really don’t. But if it would help – I agree that Yamcha asked for it. Just don’t kill him.”
“Hah!” Vegeta snorted. “Death from my hand would be too generous a gesture! I’ll just kick his fucking bones around this fucking city several times!”
“Could you stop cursing?”
“I understand that you are angry and hungry which makes you even angrier, but please?”
Vegeta glared at Goku but this time kept silent.
“Thank you.” Goku nodded. “So what do you want to eat?”
“Everything,” Vegeta immediately answered.
“I doubt I have enough money…” Goku faltered.
“You fuc…” Vegeta stopped himself. “You invited me to dinner and you are going to pay for it!” he snorted.
“Alright, don’t worry,” Goku sighed, checking his wallet. “Err…” he sounded a bit unsure. “When is Bulma coming back?”
“After a week or so…” Vegeta suspiciously eyed Goku. “You invited me to dinner…”
“Aright, alright, you’ll get your dinner,” Goku put his wallet back into his pocket. “You know, you should learn to cook. At least basic things.”
“I don’t need that! I have my Woman to do that for me!”
“Well, but it would be good in times like this…”
“In times like this I have you to buy me dinner,” Vegeta snorted.
“You know, if MY woman gets to know that I have been feeding you all this week, she’ll break my legs, and then YOU will have to buy me dinner.”
“Deal!” Vegeta smirked. “I’ll pay her to do that!”
“You have no money.”
“Right,” Vegeta cursed.
“You should have married her, so you at least would have been able to use some of the money…”
“Can’t believe that I’m hearing that from you…” Vegeta rolled his eyes.
“Why not? You look after Trunks, well…sometimes. You defend the Earth…well…sometimes. You should at least be able to buy some food,” Goku nodded his head seriously.
“Are you trying to tell me to rebel?” Vegeta chuckled.
“Nah,” Goku shook his head. “Gods no. I’m telling you to marry her and then to rebel, like I do.”
Vegeta got a thoughtful look on his face. “Hmmm…are you sure it’s a good idea? When I look at you and your harpy…there’s not much of a rebellion from your side. More from hers…”
“Bulma’s not much better either…” Goku stuck his tongue out at Vegeta.
“So are you telling me to marry or are you trying to talk me out of it?”
Goku scratched his head. “Well, I wasn’t talking seriously, but…dunno…might be a good idea after all… You both seem to fit nicely…almost…why not?”
Vegeta got a thoughtful look on his face. Oh, he knew why not. He knew plenty of ‘why nots’.
Goku belched loudly, patted his stomach then excused everyone who stared at him with their mouths open.
“You have no manners at all,” Vegeta notified him.
“You have enough for both of us,” Goku rolled his eyes.
“You know, I swear, you are from the Stone Age!” Vegeta muttered.
“Have Saiyans already passed the Stone Age? I thought they hadn’t even reached it,” Goku snorted.
“One more joke like that, and I’ll fucking rip your head off,” Vegeta growled.
“Who would buy you dinner then?” Goku chuckled, fishing out something green from his tea and tossing it on the table.
Vegeta scowled at him.
Goku was silent for some time. “Actually I never thought you would ask me to take you somewhere to eat in the first place…” he scratched his head.
“I didn’t ask! I ordered you to take me somewhere to eat!” Vegeta crossed his hands and stuck his nose high in the air.
Goku shook his head, trying to show that he knew better. “I was very, very surprised. In a good way, I mean,” he quickly added. “It used to be that you tried to kill me most of the time. I prefer dinners to death. But it happened very fast. I mean, last night you threaten to kill me, this morning you show up and ask me to take you to dinner…”
“I didn’t fuc… I didn’t ask! I told you that I would kill you if you didn’t take me to dinner!”
“That doesn’t count,” Goku shook his head. “When you used to threaten things like death, you at least looked serious. This time you were damn blushing.”
Vegeta’s eyes widened. “I wasn’t!” he spluttered.
“Yes, you were. You were all red. Have never seen you red before. Well, unless from anger, but you really didn’t seem to be angry...”
Suddenly wishing that he had some stronger stuff, Vegeta downed a full glass of lemonade in one gulp. “I was sunburnt!”
“In that case you heal very fast… Come on, why have you been blushing?” Goku grinned.
Vegeta inhaled sharper, his eyes widening even more. “It’s my natural color when I’m hungry!”
Goku grinned wider. “Why have you been blushing, Vegeta?” Suddenly alert, Goku jumped to his feet. “Yamcha!”
Vegeta was on his feet too. “Someone killed him! Before me?! Bastards!” He shot to the door after Goku.
Yamcha was lying in his bombarded flat in a puddle of blood. His face was white and he was convulsively shaking. He coughed a lot.
“Oh my god! Yamcha!” Goku gasped after he appeared in Yamcha’s flat. “Do you have Senzu Beans?”
“They don’t help,” Yamcha weakly shook his head, his voice just above a whisper.
“What?! How can they not help?!” Goku was beginning to panic. “They always help! How can they not help?! Oh my God, oh my God! They have to help!”
“Shut up,” Yamcha whispered. “I know better – I tried.”
“Hospital!” Goku said, finally regaining his composure. “Vegeta, Senzu Beans don’t help!” Goku attached himself to Vegeta who had just flown in through the second door. “What should we do?! He’s dying!”
“Really?” Vegeta looked at Yamcha who was lying on the floor. The prince didn’t look very upset.
“Stop that, Vegeta!” Goku moaned in fear. “Can’t you do something? Maybe you have more Senzu? Maybe Yamcha’s Senzu was too old and ineffectual?!”
Vegeta looked at Yamcha again. “Don’t think so. It might be similar to when you had that heart disease – Senzu couldn’t help you either.”
Goku moaned again. “We have to take him to a hospital!”
“No, no hospital,” Yamcha groaned weakly. “Don’t move me.”
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Baba appeared on her crystal ball. “A hospital won’t help him,” she said.
Goku attached himself to Baba. “So what can we do?!”
“What the fuck happened here, anyway?!” Vegeta roared, finally losing his patience completely.
Everyone shut up.
Baba floated on her crystal ball for some time then began to talk: “I felt a huge magical interference on the Earth before Yamcha was attacked. Someone broke through from another level to our world and settled inside Yamcha.”
“What?!” Goku and Yamcha shouted together.
“If it’s the creature I suspect, nothing can help,” Baba shook her head sadly. “The creature will feed on him until Yamcha dies. Unless…” she raised a finger after Goku had whined in fear, “…unless you find a magical flower.”
“Magical flower?” Goku asked, his hopes rising. “What magical flower? Where can we find it?”
“It’s a flower called Mafaqua. Nobody knows where it grows. I’m even not sure if it exists at all. But that flower has the power to abolish all magical activity around it. It could help to get rid of that creature that is in Yamcha.”
“So how do we find it if we don’t know where it grows?! And what does it look like?” Goku was impatiently pacing across the floor.
“It has a very big blue blossom. The middle of it is white. And it smells of strawberries,” Baba said, matter-of-factly.
“Considering you don’t know if it exists at all, you surely know what it looks like…” Vegeta said suspiciously.
“See,” Baba unfolded some paper and stuck it under Vegeta’s eyes. “This is the original drawing. My great-great-grandmother did it.”
“So why don’t you know if it exists?” Vegeta tried to scratch the picture with his finger, but Baba smacked his hand.
“Because everything happened a very, very, very long time ago. It was the same as now: the hungry creatures from the other level broke through. They fed on everything that was alive. It would have been the end of the world if not for my great-great-grandmother finding the Mafaqua flower and performing the necessary rituals. She was able to kill the creatures and shut the door between the worlds. What I don’t know is if there are any more of these flowers left.”
Vegeta looked at Yamcha then his face got a bit more serious. “So, you foolish woman, what you are saying is that without that damn flower, those creatures are going to break through and kill us all?”
“Exactly,” Baba nodded. “I know that this is going to be a very hard mission for you both, but great-great-grandmother left a clue as to where the flower can be found (if it can be found at all).”
“Us both?” Vegeta blinked. “I’m not going anywhere. My Woman just bought me a new PC and a Tomb Raider XV CD!”
Baba climbed off her crystal ball. She spat on it then wiped the ball with her skirt until it began to shine.
“What are you doing?” Goku looked past her shoulder at the ball.
“I’m trying to see the future,” Baba replied gloomily.
“Do I have more children?” Goku clasped his hands happily behind Baba.
Before Baba could say anything, the ball began to glimmer.
“Blast!” Baba cursed Goku. “Do you know how long it takes to recharge it?! No more questions!” she tried to see something in the fogged ball. Then she shook her head. “No. Only Gohan and Goten.” She muttered something under her breath. The crystal ball hissed, changed its color several times then Baba plastered her face to it, blocking the view.
About five minutes later Goku and Vegeta still stood behind Baba, their faces now taking on annoyed expressions.
“And?” Vegeta asked finally.
Baba turned around. “Goku can not accomplish this mission alone. The spirits are telling me that he has to take a brave and powerful Saiyan prince with him or otherwise he will fail. Indeed, without the prince’s spirit and power Goku is destined to fail,” she said in a resonant and mysterious voice.
“Vegeta, please,” Goku whined. “The Earth is at stake!”
Vegeta stood there hardly hearing anything, his chest puffed out, his clouded eyes seeing visions of the future and oncoming battles. He smirked and rubbed his hands in excitement. “I don’t know…”
Baba rolled her eyes at the prince. Yamcha glared at him from the floor.
“Please…” Goku pleaded. “I’ll buy you dinner, no I’ll feed you for a month!”
Baba’s eyes widened, she looked at Vegeta, her brow raised questioningly, but Vegeta didn’t see anything through his still clouded eyes.
“Two months and you have the deal!” Vegeta rubbed his hands again.
Goku pulled his wallet out and began to count the money. “I don’t have that much,” he complained after several seconds. “Month and a half?” he asked, his pleading eyes making Vegeta squirm.
“Oh, all right,” sighed Vegeta. He looked at Baba. “So where is that damn flower? You mentioned some clues or something.”
Baba began to fidget with her crystal ball. “Err… Yes. Well, you see, my great-great-grandmother had been very careful that nobody would find Mafaqua, so she sort of concealed the exact place where it’s found. She left only this piece of paper,” Baba reached for the drawing that she had previously shown Vegeta.
Vegeta stared at the big, blue flower on the paper. “It reminds me of a blue camel…”
Baba frowned at him discontentedly. “My great-great-grandmother was an inimitable artist!”
“Exactly,” Vegeta nodded smirking. He pointed at the drawing. “I bet nobody had ever thought to draw blue camels before her…”
Intrigued, Goku looked closer at the drawing. “It’s a cat. See – it has four paws and a tail. I don’t know why it’s green and why it looks like it’s been run over by a car, but it’s a cat.”
Baba began to splutter, but then decided that it was not worth it. She turned the paper over. “There is the first clue.” She screwed her eyes while trying to decipher it. “Damn. I forgot my reading glasses.”
“Give it to me,” Vegeta impatiently snatched the paper from her hands. “Aha.” He began to read. “Sun is hot, pyramids are high, desert is endless and everything is yellow.” Vegeta stared at the paper in his hand gob-smacked.
“And?” Goku impatiently shifted from one foot to another.
“That’s it,” Vegeta blinked at the paper, still in disbelief. “What the fuck is that?!” he then turned to Baba. “Your granny was a fucking idiot! Is this supposed to rhyme or what?! I told you it was a blue camel!”
“Vegeta, stop insulting Baba’s bloodline!” Goku smacked Vegeta on his forehead. “Shhh… Baba, don’t cry,” Goku patted Baba on the shoulder. “You know he didn’t mean that. Your great-great-grandmother was a great artist! I bet nobody else can draw a dead cat like she can! I know I couldn’t, even if I tried very hard,” Goku tried to soothe Baba.
Baba sniffled. “Thanks, Goku. It’s a flower but thanks anyway.”
“So it sounds pretty much like Egypt,” Vegeta pondered. “And the Sahara Desert generally. Don’t tell me we will have to dig up that entire desert to find that damn flower…” he looked at Baba almost pleadingly, before his features narrowed into a scowl. “We’d better not, because when I find those spirits who suggested taking me along on this journey…”
“No,” Baba shook her head. “I know exactly what she is talking about. For some time my ancestors lived in Egypt. Try looking in the old house of the Sphinx.
“The Sphinx?” Vegeta blinked. “And how do you suggest we could look inside it?”
“There’s a secret passage,” Baba said. “Count two hundred sixty seven bricks from the left paw. You’ll see from where to start counting – there’s one brick a bit darker than the rest. After you’ve counted, push the two hundred sixty seventh brick as hard as you can and a passage should open. I have no idea where she could have put that flower, so you’ll have to search very carefully.”
“So why the hell aren’t you coming yourself?” Vegeta snorted.
“I’m too old and too scared,” Baba calmly said. “Why do you think my family doesn’t live in Egypt anymore? It’s too hot and the skeletons are too vicious. Besides, lack of humidity is very bad for my beautiful face.”
“Your beautiful face?”
“Oh yes, and mummies and other undead things,” Baba brushed her palm over her cheek.
“Okay…” Vegeta shrugged. He folded the paper and put it into his pocket. “Kakarott, we meet after half an hour at the Lookout. Bring water, food, whatever. Leave Knobby at home. Let’s go!”
Baba and Yamcha watched Vegeta and Goku leave through two different doors.
“Who’s Knobby?” Yamcha asked, getting up from the floor and stretching.
“Goten’s dog,” Baba rolled her eyes. “Goku’s been carrying him everywhere. The dog shits himself each time Goku flies.”
“Disgusting,” Yamcha frowned. “So you think they believed it?”
“I’m not sure about Vegeta, but Goku definitely did,” Baba answered. She gritted her teeth. “I can’t believe them! I spent the whole afternoon drawing that flower! It’s not a camel! And it’s not a damn cat! It’s a flower!”
Yamcha scratched his head. “You mean cauliflower? It sure looked like cauliflower to me.”
“Argh!” Baba reddened from anger. “It’s not a damn cauliflower! It’s just a blue flower!”
Yamcha rolled his eyes. “Okay, flower, whatever. You really think it’ll work?”
“If not this, then nothing else will,” Baba sighed.
Goku and Vegeta met at Kami’s Lookout as planned. Goku was carrying a big backpack, and Vegeta was carrying several capsules on the belt around his waist.
“I take it your harpy wasn’t at home?” Vegeta remarked.
“How did you know?” Goku asked, surprised.
“Well I don’t know how about you, but certainly she must have heard about ‘Capsule Corporation’…”
“You are a pain in the ass,” Goku sighed. “I know about capsules. But since we have to stop training to go on this mission, I thought I should at least carry some weights.”
“Don’t tell me that you packed your things in the capsules and that your backpack is full of stones…” Vegeta groaned in disbelief.
“Exactly,” Goku confirmed, proudly.
Vegeta only sighed. “Let’s go!” he rose in the air, motioning for Goku.
“Wait! Wait!” Piccolo shouted from a distance.
Goku and Vegeta turned to look at the Namek who was quickly approaching. They waited for him to land on the Lookout.
“Bulma wanted me to give you this,” the Namek held out a small packet to Goku. “She said that you should open it only when in great need.” He gave the packet to Goku.
“News spreads quickly,” Vegeta rolled his eyes. “And me? Didn’t she send anything for me?”
“No,” Piccolo shook his head, making his green antennas swing. “But she said that you both would get a good use from the packet. Only open it when in a great need and when you have no other choice.”
“Okay,” Goku nodded, putting the small packet into his endless pocket.
“Good luck!” Piccolo waved at them. “And remember – many things depend on you!”
“Sure. Like always,” Vegeta snorted, flying away. Nevertheless he waved back at the Namek.
“You know,” Goku said after a good half an hour in flight, “I can’t stop thinking about Baba and that crystal ball.”
“Aha,” Vegeta agreed. “You, too, are wondering how she recharges it?”
“Yeah,” Goku nodded. “Actually I’m trying not to think about it. Considering that for some reason she straddles that ball all the time…”
“Shut up,” Vegeta covered his ears, groaning. “Have some mercy…”
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