If Only
by Ouji-Chan     More by this Writer
Gohan reflects after the death of Vegeta.

Author's Note : This is angst, though I don’t know how sad it really is. I am in a bad mood because my cat that I loved very much died this morning and I was unlucky enough to be the one that found him. So this is the product of my sour mood. It’s Gohan+Vegeta, but the Ouji is dead and this is in Gohan’s POV.


I stand and watch the sunset behind the looming mountains. I watch as the crimson mingles with the purple and the gold, then slowly fades to the greenish blue of twilight. The sunset reminds me of you. It’s really hard to believe that you’re gone. You were so proud, so strong, so commanding, and still so vulnerable. I wonder at times if anyone saw it beside myself. If they saw how you would mask your feelings, how you would say things to try and mislead us all when you let your mask fall. Did you ever believe the things you would say? I think that at times you were trying to convince yourself that you didn’t care more than you were trying to convince us.

There are so many things I wish I had said to you. So many times I can recall that I should have put my arms around you, even if you would have snapped at me for it. So many things left unsaid so many actions left undone, and so many regrets left to remember. If only I had told you that someone cared, that I cared; maybe then it wouldn’t have ended like this. If I had just held you when I knew you needed it. You always acted so strong, so indifferent. Deep down though, I know you needed someone to lean on, someone to be a support for you; but I was never brave enough to tell you anything about my true feelings.

I have a great respect and admiration for you, you know? I have never known anyone who has achieved as much as you have. You came through the cruelest, hardest life I could ever imagine and became one of the greatest warriors to ever walk the earth. Yet you were more than that. You were a prince, in my eyes a king; you were a father, and a husband. You loved so much, but you tried so hard not to show it. You were raised to be a bloodthirsty killing machine, and you grew into an honorable man. The others never seemed to understand you like I did. I knew you put up fronts, I could see through them. I only wish I had acted on what I had seen.

You were so lonely. Sure you had your son and your daughter, but they were grown and had their own families to worry about. Your wife was estranged to you, she couldn’t understand, and mine doesn’t either. You only felt happy when you sparred with someone, or when you trained for a battle. It was a chance for you to prove yourself to us all, to show us that there was more to you than attitude. Like the time you sacrificed yourself to destroy Buu. Even though you failed to kill him. What you did in that moment proved that you really did give a damn about us, about the earth. It proved you weren’t just a cold, mean-spirited bastard like some of the others thought. I always knew you hadn’t been one though.

It’s getting late; the stars are twinkling brightly in the sky. I always wondered why you would stare up into the sky for hours, almost as if in a trance. I think I know now. You were probably thinking of your memories, of your planet, your people, and your life. I should have been able to come to you then, to hold you close to me and tell you that you weren’t alone, that, that I loved you. I was afraid.

I will never be able to make up for my mistakes, Vegeta, I won’t be able to cradle your slight, powerful form in my arms and whisper my affection into your ear. I won’t be able to kiss your pale, soft lips. I know they would have been soft, like your hands. I won’t be able to feel the silken black strands of your hair against my chin, and I won’t be able to stare into the wells of dark, burning obsidian that was your eyes. You’re gone, and I can’t bring you back. I can’t listen to you chide us for our silly behavior, or bark out a laugh when you find something amusing. I can’t watch in mystified awe as you use your battle skill against an enemy. If only I had acted on my feelings. Maybe then we could have shared a few years together at least. It isn’t fair that you had to die. It isn’t fair that I can’t go back and change things. Oh how I wish I could!

Videl will be wondering where I am by now. I still find it amazing that she has grown so old and frail looking, while I remain with the appearance of a thirty year old man. You outlived Bulma though, and dad outlived mom. It must be in our Saiya-jin blood. I wonder if Trunks will outlive Pan, but I guess it really doesn’t matter. I always think of the strangest things at the weirdest times. You would have smirked at me for it, maybe laughed or said something in a light teasing, scolding voice. I miss your voice. I miss you. I think I am one of the few who do. Bra loved you so much, Trunks too, but once they got married their lives headed in a different direction than yours. You became so aloof, and I know it was because you didn’t want any of us to see how lonely and sad you had become. You were still a noble warrior, but the arrogance wasn’t as strong and you weren’t nearly as cold as you tried to make us think you were, not anymore.

I can’t stay and stare at the moon any longer. It hurts so much to think of what might have been. What I could have had. If only I had said something, or done something. If only I had let you know that you didn’t have to be alone. You believed that no one cared, you died believing that. I can never forgive myself for letting you go that way. Maybe, someday, in other world, I will find you. I can only hope for that. There is nothing I can do now Vegeta, but someday I will die, and then I will find you. I only wish it hadn’t turned out like this. It was all so different in my mind, but our fantasies are often never like reality, are they? Mine aren’t at least. If only I could take back the time. If only I could show you that you were loved. If only I could bring you back.

If only I had told you.



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