I’m sitting in the time machine, waiting for it to turn at full speed, and take me back in time. Mother told me it will only take minutes to get me where I’m going, and that those minutes will change my life forever. But right now I’m not thinking of where I’m going, I’m with my thoughts to some other moment in time, which changed my life even more drastically. I shiver as I remember everything, every tiny detail.
It was raining when I finally got to you. For a moment, the raindrops falling on your body made it look alive, moving, but when I approached, I noticed it was only a mirage, some wistful thinking from my side. When realization hit me, the cold that took me over, wasn’t due to the rain. It was the kind of feeling one gets when they have been deprived of the thing that makes them the most happy in the world. In my case, that would be you. I fell down on my knees, hugging your lifeless body, as mine was wrecked by silent sobs. It wasn’t possible, you couldn’t have left me. And right at this moment, right now when you had finally told me you loved me, that you hoped we could grow old together, that we could build the kind of relationship most people can only dream of. I was only a child, so I couldn’t quite understand what you were saying, all I knew was that you filled my life, my heart, my hopes and my dreams; all that I wanted from that moment on, had been to discover what you meant by those words, together with you. And now you were gone.
After the first grief, came the anger, towards you, for leaving me; towards myself, for not having been there; but most of all towards the robots. I sat up, crying out all my anger, and at that time, I felt a powerful energy surge through my body. I made it, I finally managed to become a super saiyajin, but the joy that it normally would have brought me, stayed away, and all I felt was a bitterness that I had to achieve my greatest goal through my greatest loss.
After I had calmed down, I had taken you home, and had buried you by my own hands. Nobody had been allowed to touch you but me. I felt strangely calm, determined to avenge your death. Mother worried at first, because in the months that followed, all I did was train, but she soon saw that I was becoming like the young man she had always loved like an own son, I was striving to follow in your footsteps. After all, it was the only thing that was left for me now, to honour you and the things you stood for.
I get shook out of my thoughts by the sudden silence that envelops me. The machine slowly comes to a full stop, and I take a deep breath. It seems I have arrived in the past. I know I have to get out of the machine, but somehow, I just can’t seem to bring myself to it right away. How will you react when you see me? Of course you won’t recognize me, nobody will for that matter. And you’ll only be a child.
How will I react to you, considering that you are so much younger than I have known you. Oh, how I wish I could just hug you, pretending you are my love, the one I had to leave behind. But I know I won’t do that, because it would be only a substitute for you, the man I loved. Yes, I finally understand what you were talking about all that time ago, and suddenly my heart is beating slower, and it’s as if peace descends on me.
A tear slowly runs down my face. For all those years I have in a way thought that I was responsible for your death, because you confessed your love, and I just couldn’t say it back at that time. So I thought you didn’t think me worthy to fight and die by your side. But now that I finally understand about love, I also understand that what pushed you to knock me unconscious that day, wasn’t anger or rejection, it was fear.
And as I get out of the time machine to complete my mission, one last thought crosses my mind. If only I had had the choice, I would have died with you.
