Another day is going by
I’m thinking about you
all the time
But you’re out there
And I’m waiting.
Now I am standing in my room and I lower my head. In my hands I hold the letter you wrote me.. where you told me that you are leaving nevertheless…
The window is open and the sun enlightens my room, but it won’t do the same with my mood…one single tear leaves my eye and slowly makes its way over my cheek. My lips are trembling slightly and it is hard not to start to cry. I close my eyes briefly and think about the time when you kissed me and snuggled close.
The letter slips out of my hand and glides down onto the floor… I thought that I had a real chance, but this seems to be a mistake… I am such a fool… how could I even think that I’d had a chance against him…?
And I wrote this letter
in my head
‘Cuz so many things
were left unsaid
But now you’re gone
And I can’t think straight.
Slowly I open my eyes again and I am not able to stop the tears from running down my face. I thought that I could smile at you and tell you how happy I am for you… well… I did exactly that…but now… I am alone in my room and all the sorrow… despair… longing comes back to me… with more force than I am able to endure…
And the worst thing is that I have no shoulder that I could lean on and cry… nobody knows the way I loved you… love you still… I am not able to tell my parents… they would maybe laugh at me… imagine- her beloved son loving another man… incredible…
I am not able to look into your face and tell you how I feel… tomorrow you are leaving…going back to your own time… and I am going to smile and wave goodbye…
This could be
the one last chance
to make you understand.
For one brief moment I have an idea… I could run to you and tell you how much I love you… that I am happy for you… that you finally found your great love… but then… I am never going to do that…
Maybe I really am a fool… you always told me that you don’t love me… you loved him… all the time… and I am not able to… have his place… I never planned to replace him, I just wanted to have a place in your heart… at least you told me that you could love me if it weren’t for him…
I’d do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can’t put you
in the past
I’d do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
‘Cuz I know
I won’t forget you.
Really… there is nothing I would not do… so that you could love me.. I don’t want you to forget him… something like a spell… no… I want you to love me… like I love you… don’t I deserve a bit happiness in my life? A bit of love… a bit of warmth…
It seems as if I am doing something wrong…but I don’t know what… okay- I have friends…I am not bad in school… I have nice parents… a house, a brother, a small room for myself… maybe I even have a little talent with something other than fighting or studying…
It doesn’t matter how hard I am trying to forget you… think of something else… but every time I look out of the window… I see the blue sky and this reminds me of your wonderful shining eyes… and the wind… when it plays with your hair then I am only able to stare at you…
Together we broke
all the rules
Dreaming of dropping out
of school
And leave this place
To never come back.
I thought that everything was possible as I saw you for the first time… your strength astonished me… the way you fought… and I prayed to see you again…
Some years later my heart jumped as this wish finally came true… and then I talked to you… I told you that I am in love with you… you only smiled and told me that you loved another… this hurt… but nevertheless your words encouraged me also a bit… you would have been able to love me if he had not yet taken the place in your heart… these had been your words… so I hoped that maybe one day you might look at me and tell me that you love me…
But once again this proves that I really am a fool…
So now maybe after all
these years
If you miss me have no fear
I’ll be here
I’ll be waiting.
I guess right now it might be the best to tell myself that my parents have been right… I talked with my mum… about this… theory of men loving each other… she told me that she tolerates it, but that this is nothing for me… it just doesn’t suit me…
At first I have been angry… how is she able to judge something like that? Only because I am her child? She doesn’t know my inner feelings… she only sees what she wants to see….
But… maybe… it would be better for me… to live like a “normal” boy at my age… fall in love with girls… go out with them.. and be shy and blush… this is cute and shows your innocence… so far so good…
The only problem is that I am not able to forget him… his hair… his eyes…. his mouth… the warm skin and the kind words… nevertheless it hurts to think of him… watching him leaving… listening to his words as he told me that he found his love…
This could be the one last
chance to make you
understand.
Life goes on as it always has… the only thing that has changed is my heart… it hurts… when I do think of you now… it is with mixed emotions… I love you still and I don’t know what I would do if you were to come back and tell me that you do love me now… maybe I really would leave my wife and my child… running to my first and greatest love… well.. I do love Videl… but not like I love you… it’s more like a love to a sister… it’s hard to describe…
Nevertheless I only nod as my Dad tells me that you are going to visit us soon…
And I just can’t let you go
leave me once again.
……….. you are standing in the middle of the room… everybody is eager to talk to you… your smile is still as bright as I remember it… yet I am in a corner with my glasses on, pretending to study something… I really don’t need the glasses to see everything… I only have some problems with things that are far away… but to see your wonderful hair moving as you shake your head and laugh… to look at the clear blue of your eyes…. I don’t need glasses… I only would have to remember…
I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep
I can’t forget you
And I’d do anything for you.
The day passes…. the sun goes down…. laughter fills the house…. but then I stand up and decide to leave… all right… I do still love you… and it also hurts a bit to listen to you… talking about him… like he is the centre of your universe… and he also might be it… I do laugh and smile and shake hands with you… but I am not able to endure this all the time…
Your sad smile shows me that you are the only one who clearly understands why I am leaving… maybe you have understood me all the time… all those years… and tears once again start to flow over my cheek… I do still love you… like a whisper you were gone… but like a keening cry my life has been since that time…
I know that maybe I don’t belong in your heart… but we are friends… and I am not able to erase this feeling… it won’t vanish… as much as I try… But slowly my lips stretch into a smile as you softly touch my shoulder and kiss me… it’s not a kiss that lovers do share… but friends… I am your friend forever… and I will also love you… although you are leaving again… although I may not have the slightest chance…
Love has never been logical…
I’d do anything
To fall asleep with you
I’d do anything
There’s nothing I won’t do
I’d do anything
To fall asleep with you
I’d do anything
‘Cuz I know
I won’t forget you…..
