Welcome to Boxer & Rice

► Chapter 1- Insomnia     Chapter 2- Fear     Chapter 3- Questions     Chapter 4- Pain     Chapter 5- Hope     Chapter 6- Sickness     Chapter 7- Medicine     Chapter 8- Drown     Chapter 9- Drugged ~Thoughts~

He didn't want to sleep. He really didn't. Sleep was something that was a requirement of one's physical state that everyone needed regardless of how strong or weak they were. It was just something he wished he didn't need.

~I can't fight this forever.~ Vegeta confessed to himself as he lay in the dark, staring at the ceiling, Perhaps tonight won't be so bad.

He tried not to toss and turn so much out of courtesy for the woman sleeping next to him, but it was hard when his physical body tried fighting something only his mind could battle. It was never this bad before, though. He was used to flashbacks of torture or nightmares filled with past abuse..but this felt like something greater than himself..something he was unable to conquer.

Vegeta never told Bulma just how haunted he was by all the years he served under Frieza, by all the things he had seen and done..what he had endured. As far as she was concerned, it was none of her business. His scars told some stories and she was wise to not question him too much about how he got certain ones or why being in the rejuvenation tank never made them go away. It was something he was unwilling to discuss and he was thankful when she questioned him no further once he had stopped talking.

It was nearing 3 AM and Vegeta had yet to sleep. He pondered whether it was a good idea to start his training at 6 or if it was better to catch what little sleep he would get before late morning. Bulma did like it when he would stay in with her at times. She liked the 'good' years with Vegeta, despite his depression taking its toll on him after Goku died and him stopping training altogther. It meant more time for them to be together, more time for them to fix their relationship and to help the miserable prince move on from his "loss."

That was years ago though, and Vegeta felt that they had grown apart since he came back to life.

He didn't blame Bulma for being distant after his stunt in becoming majin. It was easy for him to understand her pain of losing him that day when he reappeared at the arena, for he could hear her cries and rhetorical questions as to why he intentionally acted the way he did.

Truth was he loved it. He craved that wickedness that made him who he was from the beginning and he wanted to feel it all the time. For years he had wanted that rush and, to him, it felt amazing to get that detached feeling back where it belonged in his heart. He wanted it all; having no ties pulling him down, fighting for the sheer excitement of battle, witnessing the chaos inflicted by the power he wielded, the blood, the cries of pain, the killing, it was everything that he loved. His body burned with adrenaline when battling Goku during this time, and he had not realized how much he missed his lust for destruction until then. It was the type of lust he thought had died when he settled down with a family that he didn't want.

It took a few months before Bulma came around again, and Vegeta sensed she was frightened of him even after the first night she came back. The remnants of his cruelty and cold demeanor remained in his mind for years, and he didn't care to reassure her that who she saw that day was no more. It would have been a lie anyway and Vegeta knew this. They talked about it only briefly before he shut the conversation down, wanting to drop the whole thing before his temper would flare and his regret would overtake him. The strange thing was that part of him didn't want to have regrets..just wanting to never having to feel that he was sorry. It was a part of him that he wanted to keep alive, for this was the true prince he felt he should be: Unapologetic.

Since this time, his encounters with Bulma had remained distant and Bulma excused it as being because he was too rough for her.

There was no sex anymore and, to Vegeta, that was fine. He was never in the mood since he returned and he knew his time down in Hell was the reason why..and why he felt the way he did now. He never told Bulma or anyone, for they needn't know of how tormented he was while there or how weak he allowed himself to become.

What was the point? Why fight something that couldn't be controlled? It was his punishment for all the wrongs in his life, he knew this and he didn't care. It was just that he didn't think it had effected him this much in this way. His time under Frieza was hell enough, but the memories of his past life paled in comparison to how he was treated when in the underworld.

~Even in death I couldn't escape him.~ Vegeta sat up and rested his head in his hands.

He rubbed his face as if to wipe away the memories plaguing him, and it was then that he realized that he was dripping in sweat. Another nightmare, another night waking up in a cold sweat. Perfect.

Opening his eyes, he looked to his left and stared at the woman he shared a bed with, gazing at her soft features shining from the street lamp outside, her fine hair fanned out on her pillow like blue wings. They were trying, but that spark seemed to fade between them like Vegeta vanished in the light of his sacrifice. Their relationship had become colder. Sure, Bulma was still caring, but there was an obvious break between them that neither could ignore. They slept in the same bed pretending that all was fine when it was anything but, and Vegeta realized the more distant Bulma became, the more he welcomed back the loneliness that was once his friend.

Looking back, Vegeta stared at the massive window opposite of where he sat in bed, watching the rain create shadows upon the floor of their room. Carefully getting up, he walked over to look out.

It was getting colder these days. Winter had come and the weather called for more rainy days than sunny ones. It made no difference to Vegeta; it held no barrings on his training once he started using the gravity chamber Bulma had installed at Capsule Corps a few years ago. He wondered what Goku was doing as a means to train under this terrible weather or if he was training at all.

~You have never had to suffer, Kakarott...~ Vegeta placed his hand on the window, feeling the icy glass under his sweaty palm. He watched the raindrops trial down the window and lightly placed his finger against the wet glass to follow a drop down.

~Like tears...~

That was one thing he never saw Goku do; cry. The third class warrior was like a coin that flipped from one emotion to the other: happy to angry. Vegeta could have cried enough for the both of them in their lifetime with the amount of pain he felt throughout his life. He wished he could be different at times, to be as carefree and positive as his saiyan counterpart. He didn't want to admit that he was jealous of Goku and his blessed life, or the fact that Goku saw the good in others and gave them a chance. Like him.

He was too gentle to be a saiyan, Vegeta realized, how could anyone be so fierce in battle, yet so...gentle?

Goku's hands and movements intrigued the prince to the point where he didn't even believe Goku to be real, much less a saiyan. He fought like a sayian with great might and yet had enough control in his muscles to be soft...almost loving. The man could smash entire worlds to pieces in an instant, split a land in two by sheer force when angry enough, and at the same time hold his granddaughter with the upmost care as if touching a butterfly's wings.

~That bastard...~ Vegeta cursed, his teeth grit, ~He was always a step ahead of me when I should have been the better of both of us! It's ruthlessness that makes a saiyan, not compassion!...So why must he be stronger than me with both?~

Looking out at the dark, watery world Vegeta wrapped his arms around himself, finally feeling the chill of the cold air against his sweating body. He could still hear Frieza's laughter at his plight when he was in Hell, loud enough to beat out the light pattering of the rain hitting the window pane. Closing his eyes, he sighed.

His nightmares had become all too real as of late, enough to where he felt life was a dream that he would wake up from and find himself being tortured again in Hell. It scared him, but then again he was used to fear and pain.

~No...that's..not what scares me.~

Being ruthless and cold was what got him out of a lot, and he found that those emotions were what he knew most out of anything, hell he lived by them, and those were the only ones he needed.

~Kakarott and your damn heart...You spared your enemies when you should have killed them, especially me. You're too soft and that's what's going to get you killed one day. I'm alive because I survived on coldness...~

Vegeta's skin became clammy as he tighten his arms around himself. Walking back to the bed, he hoped his mind could tap into that vicious killer he was forced to be and destroy what was giving him nightmares. Slowly, he covered himself with a blanket, curling up on his side and closing his eyes, hoping for a better night. He didn't know if he was shivering from his cold sweat or the thought of returning to the place where nightmares lived.

~I won't let him haunt me...I won't.~ ► Chapter 1- Insomnia     Chapter 2- Fear     Chapter 3- Questions     Chapter 4- Pain     Chapter 5- Hope     Chapter 6- Sickness     Chapter 7- Medicine     Chapter 8- Drown     Chapter 9- Drugged