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Thump…thump…thump…

The rhythmic pounding noise of the tennis ball bouncing against the wall is starting to get to me…maybe I should stop. I try to bring myself to stop catching and rebounding the worn and tattered ball, but my hands don’t seem to want to obey me.

I slouched on my bed dejectedly, resting my back against the uncomfortable headboard as I bit my lip in concentration.

Thump…thump…thump…

I think Kaa-san’s getting worried about me. Not surprising really, I’m worried about me too.

I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with my life now?! Up until a month or so ago, the only purpose I had for living was to train hard enough so I would be able to defeat the Androids and Cell in my own time – once I went back to the past and trained with the others, my power increased so dramatically that it wasn’t any challenge at all killing them here.

Not that I really wanted it to be, it’s just they died too quickly. And I wanted to make them suffer.

For Gohan.

Even now I still can’t believe that he’s gone…he was everything to me. My life revolved around him; he was my Master and my friend. The day I found his lifeless body face down in the mud was the worst in my life – it was raining, and the thunder made my ears ache. I had thought he was invincible…after all, he was a Super Saiya-jin and seemed to be able to take care of himself. He had survived countless fights with the androids, and had been getting stronger all the time. But in the end they were too much for him.

It took me months to get over his death; Kaa-san said I got sick from not eating enough, but I don’t really remember much from that time. I still grieve for him now, but not in such a vocal way.

What I mean is, I just don’t cry about it anymore.

Come to think of it, I don’t think I ever saw Gohan cry…maybe that was one of the reasons I looked up to him so much. I wanted to grow up to be like him more than anyone can know.

So it was a strange feeling really, going back in time and seeing Gohan as an eleven year old. The Gohan in my time always seemed so controlled, so calm and bitter. But in the past…he was happy and carefree; his only troubles being when his Mom tried to force him to study instead of train.

It’s amazing the effect that the death of a loved one can have on you. In Gohan’s case, his Dad; in my case, Gohan. I wonder what our world would be like if he was still alive today? If he had lived long enough to help me defeat the androids…it’s ironic, though, that the only way I managed to attain the SSJ power I need to kill them was through the grief of his death. But if he was alive…

I lay back, lost in my thoughts, the ball lying forgotten on the floor.

If he had lived…we could have been happy together, I know it. Who cares about the age difference? I loved him, that’s all that matters. But it wasn’t love back then; I only grew to realise I had loved him many years after his death. Hell, I had only been thirteen when he died! I barely knew of love’s existence then…maybe I had a small crush; I looked up to him so much, but that was all.

Ah…what I wouldn’t give to have him back now. Or even…even to be with him right now.

But I couldn’t do that to my mother – she’s worked so hard for me, for the future of our world…I couldn’t abandon her like that. I’m all she has left.

So I have to stay here. And live…

But what comforts me most is that I know Gohan would want me too as well.